Press Clips — Holiday Edition
AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AND AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT
NEW IRAQI MILITARY SCORES FIRST MAJOR VICTORY OVER US
Baghdad, Iraq — US officials have confirmed to the Weekly Whatever that the newly-trained Iraqi military has dealt the US its first major defeat in the War on Terror.
“It was a classic one-armed pincer move,” said US Army General Sebastian Yourefired. “It was like War 101, really, but they caught us napping, and their execution was flawless. You know how they say a battle plan never survives first contact with the enemy? Theirs did. They spanked us good.”
The battle, taking place at the first Dunkin’ Doughnuts franchise to venture outside the Green Zone and set up shop on a devastated corner in Fallujah, was a brief yet brutal demonstration of the Iraqi military’s newly acquired battlefield prowess.
“We kicked their bare, white asses, man!” shouted one elated Iraqi Colonel, a Sunni Arab recently allowed back into the Iraqi military when the US realized the Iraqis had none.
Preliminary reports indicate that not only were the US Marines crushed, but the vaunted US Air Force suffered defeat as the Iraqi Air Force batted American planes from the skies with diplomatic immunity.
Said one shaken, unidentified American pilot: “We gotta rethink this whole exporting democracy business, now.”