the Shackle Report

This is the first in a series of reports from the bowels of American foreign policy

by Scot Crawford

Click here to read the introduction

The following is a transcript of a videotape recorded at the Guantanamo Bay Prison Facility, commonly known as GITMO. The tape was obtained by The Shackle Report’s crack reporter, Shaqi the Shackle, who was on assignment in Cuba.

Well, actually, he was vacationing at the beautiful Club Med resort situated outside the fences at GITMO (for info, go to BayofPigsCruiselines.com) and he found the tape on the beach while he was strolling with his morning Mojito.

In order to cooperate with Donald Rumsfeld’s wishes that the video not be broadcast because it depicts Americans doing illegal and repellent things, which could lower self-esteem of the American citizenry, the Shackle Report has agreed to post only the audio portion in print form.

continued. . .

The First Part:

THE SISSY-SLAP GLOVES ARE OFF

Scene:

Viewing room outside interrogation cell in which a detainee is bolted to the floor. He is being viewed through a two-way mirror.

Interrogating Officer ( IO):

Good morning, son, how goes the battle?

Interrogating Enlisted Man, a Private (Pfc):

Uh, fine, sir.

IO:

Good! And how is our detainee today?

Pfc:

Pretty much the same, sir.

IO:

Not talking, eh? He didn’t admit to being the twentieth hijacker yet?

Pfc:

No, sir.

IO:

Dammit! I don’t know why he doesn’t admit it since we already know he is. Did he say anything at all?

Pfc:

Well, he said he wanted Allah to help him.

IO:

Ah! We’re getting somewhere. Excellent work, son. How did you get it out of him? The Sissy-Slap Glove, I bet, am I right?

Pfc:

Sir?

IO:

The Sissy-Slap Glove, son, you don’t know it?

Pfc:

Uh. No, sir, I don’t. I just asked him if he needed anything, and he told me he wanted Allah.

IO:

Huh. I suggest you lay off that “just asking” stuff, son. It could get us in trouble. I’m gonna give you some top secret info, son, I’m gonna trust you. In the new How To Torture People manual (HTTP) approved by Rumsfeld, there’s a technique that could very well revolutionize the game. Called, the “Sissy-Slap Glove” treatment.

Pfc:

I see, sir. Thank you for taking me into your confidence.

IO:

My pleasure, son. I like you. And desperate times call for desperate measures, and these are desperate times, are they not? When was the last time you could have a good meal and relax in front of the TV without worrying about a terrorist breaking into your house and fucking you up the ass and insulting Jesus?

Pfc:

Well, I. . .

IO:

Absolutely right, son. Now, the Sissy-Slap Glove technique goes like this: First, you take an MRE box, you know, the Meals Ready to Eat that we don’t have to eat because we’re not in combat?

Pfc:

Yessir.

IO

Okay. Take the box from one of those…we may have to order some since we don’t have any here, but, anyway, take one of those and paint a smiley face on it, make it into a mask, and put it on his head for a minute. With me so far, son?

Pfc:

Um. Yessir.

IO:

Good! Could be medal time, son. I can feel it. Now, you take the mask off his head, and you take a latex glove and inflate it, and write “Sissy-Slap Glove” on it. Still with me?

Pfc:

Um. . .

IO:

And now, here’s the kicker; you take the inflated Sissy Slap Glove, and you touch it to his face periodically after explaining the terminology to him. Dastardly, eh, son? Wouldn’t you talk?

Pfc:

Yessir. Uh, Sir?

IO:

What is it, son? Don’t be shy, there are no stupid questions in this business.

Pfc:

What does “the terminology” mean, sir? I’m not quite clear. . .sir. . .

IO:

Well, isn’t it obvious, son? “The Sissy-Slap Glove.” Get it? And if that’s not enough, you can try “Dance Instruction with Detainee,” that always gets them. Boy, they just talk and talk, then. Start sweeping them around the room in your arms, giving them the big dip. That’s how we got bin Laden’s driver to tell us whether he had a wet bar in his vehicle. He does, the fucking hypocrite. Likes Creme de Menthe, the faggot.

Pfc:

Oh. But. . .sir? I still don’t quite understand what the Sissy-Slap Glove means, exactly. I mean, what is a “Sissy-Slap”? Why is there a glove? What does it do to someone. . . sir?

IO:

Son, I’m starting to reconsider that medal. Tell you what I’ll do son, and this is verboten, so you can’t tell anyone. But, I’ll give you a copy of the new How To Torture People manual, and you can read the entry about the Sissy-Slap Glove. It’s in the index, right before; “Suck Detainee Cock – Pretend to. Unless Very Stubborn, Then Go for It.”

Pfc:

Okay, sir. I look forward to reading it.

IO:

Oh, it makes falling asleep easy, son, let me tell you. Or staying up, whatever you prefer.

Pfc:

Right, sir.

IO:

Okay, son. Now! Back to getting this barbaric pig to talk. Tell you what we’ll do. You try the Sissy-Slap Glove on him, and try the Dance Instruction if you have to, while I go and make some calls to the Head Office. We need some help with this one. We need some little men with big chairs to make some hard decisions. I’ll be back in a couple hours. By then, maybe you’ll have gotten some information out of him. Try and find out if it was bin Laden himself who trained him in the deadly art of waving a box cutter around. If we can pinpoint the boxcutter training facility, we can hit it with a cruise missile and then, whammo, no more hijackings! You with me, son?

Pfc:

Oh, yes sir. Yessir. . .

next: Off the Chain — Going Gitmo Part II: The Futility Approach click here. . .

Off the Chain — Intro

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