the Shackle Report

What to do if invited to a Halloween event at the last minute?

Great costumes take planning, shopping and, worse, sewing.

But here at the Shackle Report, we’ve discovered that you can put together a serviceable “US detainee,” “enemy combatant” or “alleged administration perjurer” costume using nothing more than a boxcutter, a gluestick and a straightedge ruler.

Step one is to assemble your materials.

(A) Choose newspaper or magazine articles on topics that shackle you. Are you a slave to fashion? Try Vogue. High end garbage? Try Absolute. Old cars? NASCAR? Options abound. . .

click here for of this article.

. . .Try to find articles that are laid out in pre-defined strips, as shown. The very best are the photo morgues that many news organizations have taken to compiling – images of the 2,000 killed in Iraq, for example, can create ghostly, heart-breaking and historically durable shackles.

(B) Using your boxcutter (or scissors) and straightedge ruler, cut your publication into approximately 2” strips. Cut newsprint double-wide, as you will need to fold over each piece lengthwise and glue the fold with a stripe of glue to obtain sufficient strength.

Then make paper chains the way you learned in elementary school, putting a daub of glue on top of one end of a strip, looping it through the last loop you made and securing it, before wrapping the rest of the strip tightly around and pasting it down with a second daub of glue.

This can be done while watching The Daily Show, Martha Stewart’s Apprentice, or Tivo-ed replays of Prison Break. Cut larger strips for cuffs, doubling them for reinforcement. For the best fit, don’t glue them on until the day of the party. And bring extra strips and a gluestick with you in case your shackles need repair.

Style your shackles to suit your preferences. Be creative. Shown here are:

(1) the Gitmo Transport belt (belt required)

(2) Gitmo leg irons

(3) The complete prisoner rendition Egyptian dungeon (shown above). Get a couple of “interrogators” to carry the dungeon wall for you, or, pick a quite corner at a party and set up your dungeon there

(4) Artistic, semi-post-ironic prisoner-of-fashion shackles Chains are BIG this year. So go with it.

Not shown:

Hip-hop fashion detainee.With a little extra effort and time, you can also make excellent bling with paper chains. Cut your pendants from cardboard and be sure to spray the entire rig with gold, to symbolize abuses in the mining industries.

Have fun, and, no matter what happens, try not to betray your cellmates. Remember, you are only useful to your enemies alive.