the Shackle Report

AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AND AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT

JAY-LO’S ASS STOLEN

J-Lo’s best ass, the one everybody loved, has been missing since shortly after the release of Out of Sight in 1998. “I just woke up one morning and it wasn’t there,” explained the diva. “I thought that maybe I mislaid it, you know, left it at Ben’s, and some other woman got it, but he swears no.” Investigators would not release the names of suspects, but, off the record confided to the WW: “We think it was the same fleshophobe who stole Madonna’s original cheeks. And we’re pretty sure he’s gay.”

BUSH DECLARES GIANT U.S. TRADE DEFICIT “INSIGNIFICANT”

December 3rd — WASHINGTON “The really big news,” the President told the nation in his address yesterday “is that my economic policies have created thousands of new jobs down in New Orleans and over the pond in Falluja.”

MAUREEN DOWD MAKES ARIANNA HUFFINGTON DISAPPEAR

With release of her book, and its companion article in the New York Times Magazine, Witticist Maureen Dowd obliterated any sign of her rival, blogster Arianna Huffington last month.
Arthur O. Sulzberger, Jr., the publisher of the NY Times, who answers to the name of Pinch, said, “There is, as you know, room in America for only one woman pundit at a time, and our sources, who declined to be identified due to their being me, determined that it should be our woman pundit, even though none of us want to marry her.”
A spokesperson for Huffington confirmed that the Greekish doyenne of liberalism has gone missing and showed us a note she left before her eclipse that read cryptically, “Of course men are necessary, you cock-climbing hypocrite.”

TERROR DETAINEES DEMAND INVISIBILITY DECLARES RUMSFELD

“The men we have rounded up at random in anti-terror sweeps throughout the world are so ashamed of their association with terrorism, however slight, that they have requested that their names and locations remain unknown, even to their lawyers,” said the Defense Secretary. Responding to critics who accuse him of violating the Geneva strictures against transporting suspects to secret torture dungeons, Rumsfeld retorted: “Accusing them of something, trials, names and all that, would be cruel and a violation of international law. The spirit of it.”

And the month has just begun. . .