. . .where news gets broken
10. Pull out his toenails.
9. Cut out his byline.
8. Confiscate his Blackberry.
7. Kidnap his companion animal and threaten to turn her into a lamp.
6. Threaten him with snarling dogs, waterboarding and sleep deprivation.
5. Make him undergo psychoanalysis with Tom Cruise.
4. Swap his house for a FEMA trailer.
3. Call him a pussy.
2. Question his journalistic integrity.
1. Offer to free him if.
AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AND AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT
Tel Aviv, Israel – The Israeli government, typically bowing to pressure from foreign governments who are unhappy with Israel’s contribution to the Middle East peace process, has agreed to let the Israeli Defense Forces head up the new United Nations peace-keeping troops being mobilized in southern Lebanon.
The new forces, called “Unifillerup”, are now being deployed, but have not gotten a substantial military commitment from a modernized state to lead the effort. France, the US, and Somalia, have all declined to contribute the necessary forces and leadership to accomplish the mission. Israel has now reluctantly agreed to step into the void.
Jerusalem Israel Wailing Wall, head of the Israeli Defense Forces, says: “As the world knows, we are not in the habit of using military action to accomplish goals better attained by diplomacy. But, in the spirit of cooperation with international opinion, we have decided to lead the charge to bring peace to southern Lebanon.”
Leaders around the world praised the move. Walter “Hack-em Up” Liberty, president of Liberia, said: “It’s about time the Jews broke from their pacifist traditions, and helped the international community bring stability to a region notoriously fraught with violence, and just general malaise and ennui.”
President Bush, reached at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, commented through his official interpreter: “This will send a message throughout the world. As soon as our intelligence services, who are doing a heckuva job by the way, figure out what that message is, I will personally vocabularize it for the American people. We have our very best Jewish impersonators working on it right now.”
Ariel Sharon, asked for comment, had a brain hemorrhage and saluted. Doctors warned that the salute was not necessarily a sign of recovery for the ailing ex-Prime Minister, as people who have suffered strokes often make involuntary gestures that are not to be taken as indicative of cognizance. They cited Mr. Sharon’s decision to withdraw from the Gaza Strip as evidence that these gestures can often be just the human brain having convulsions that are then interpreted as being real decisions.
—Scot Crawford
The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:
From the NY Times about the vaunted Iraqi military:
AN ARMY OF SOME
The new army is fundamentally unlike the Hussein-era force in one important respect. Lt. Col. Owen Lovejoy, an earnest marine with a Florida drawl who led Haditha’s Military Transition Team (as the American advisers are known), observed that the I.A. [Iraqi Army] is “the most volunteer army in the world.” Not only does it depend entirely on volunteers, but there is also no penalty for going AWOL or dropping out to find another line of work.
—Like kidnapping, rape, blowing up mosques, and drilling holes in people you don’t like.
From the NY Times about keeping us safe:
JON BENET RAMSEY MURDER SUSPECT ON FLIGHT TO US
On the plane, Jon Mark Karr sat in a business class window seat next to Mark Spray, an investigator with the Boulder District Attorney’s office. He was not handcuffed. A U.S. Embassy official and an agent with ”Homeland Security” emblazoned on his T-shirt were also part of the escort party.
Before takeoff, Karr took a glass of champagne from a cabin attendant and clinked glasses with Spray, who had orange juice.
Dinner was served on a starched white tablecloth. Karr started with a pate, then had a green salad with walnut dressing. The main course was fried king prawn with steamed rice and broccoli. Karr drank a beer, crushing the can with his hands when it was empty, then moved on to a glass of French chardonnay with his main course.
Karr, who was not charged with any crime in Thailand, was not being extradited, he was being expelled because he is regarded as an undesirable person.
— Undesirable, maybe, but the man can party! Welcome back, bro, missed ya. Throwing a little do ourselves here at the Shackle Report friday night, and you, my man, are invited. Bring the Spraymeister, and the Homeland Security dude, whose real name can’t be mentioned for obvious reasons, so we’ll just call him “Homey”. We’ll crush some cans, interrogate some folks, that’s what’s up…
From the LA Times about Cuba’s steady crawl towards westernized, middle-class tourist life:
MIXED VISIONS OF THE FUTURE IN POST-FIDEL CUBA
A male trio sings an a cappella version of “Guantanamera,” hoping for spare change from the tourists, while a collection of Jose Martí poems rubs shoulders with Ernest Hemingway’s favorite cocktail recipes at the open-air encampment of used-book stalls.
— Sadly not the most popular recipe? The Hemingway Special: 3 oz. rum, 1.5 oz fresh lime, sugar, grapefruit juice to taste, and a twelve-gauge shotgun in the mouth.
From the NY Times in a follow-up story to Monday’s:
THE RISE OF SHRINKING-VACATION SYNDROME
The Conference Board, a private research group, found that at the start of the summer, 40 percent of American consumers had no plans to take a vacation over the next six months — the lowest percentage recorded by the group in 28 years.
About 25 percent of American workers in the private sector do not get any paid vacation time, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reports. Another 33 percent will take only a seven-day vacation, including a weekend.
“The idea of somebody going away for two weeks is really becoming a thing of the past,” said Mike Pina, a spokesman for AAA, which has nearly 50 million members in North America. “It’s kind of sad, really, that people can’t seem to leave their jobs anymore.”
— Sad?! Ok, Mr. Socialist Fuckstick, let’s ask Mr. Ali from Monday’s article if he feels sad about all the extra dinars he’s raking in not being able to leave his store to pray, see his family, or take a “vacation”. Think Mr. Ali is going to take all that extra loot and blow it on a “vacation”? No. What’s he gonna do, anyway, take the whole family to Beirut, the “Paris alienated suburb of the Middle East”? No, sir. He’s going to reinvest that money into his convenience store. Put in some gas pumps. Start selling Hustler and Penthouse. Maybe one of those rotisserie chicken things. It’s a sad day when an Iraqi is more American than an American. Probably to be expected though, you goddamn, AAA, liberal…
From the NY Times about the speedy Americanization of Iraq:
Haider Ali says he quit attending mosque because it was too dangerous. Now he prays at home or in the basement of his convenience store.
— Finally a story out of Iraq that isn’t negative spin by the liberal media. Praying at work means more revenue for Mr. Ali, which means that he can soon afford to hire an assistant, which means less unemployment, and more tax revenue for the entire country. Pretty darn heartwarming, I’d say. Kudos NY Times! Some light finally shines into their dungeons of negativity up there in New York. Ah, I can see Mr. Ali now, on his knees, pointing at Mecca, unless there’s a window or door where shrapnel could come flying through; “Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, blah, blah…”And then; ding-a-ling-a-ling! A customer walks in: “Pack of Marlboros, please.” “Right away, sir.” “Thank you.” “God is great.” “Yeah.” “Have a good one.” “You, too.”
We’re talking progress.
— Scot Crawford