the Shackle Report

AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AND AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT

RUMSFELD ROCKS!

CBGBs, New York City – Ex-Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced at a press conference here that, since he is now unemployed, he is going to follow his lifelong dream of being the lead singer of a thrash-metal band.

“Have I always wanted to do this? Yes. Did I believe I had the talent? Of course. As my mother always used to say to me; ‘Donald, you’re so smart, you could do anything.’ Do I regret my digression into political life? Well, you know, regret’s a funny thing. Sometimes you regret what you regret, but you don’t know you regret it until the regret becomes regrettably obvious. What I do know is, I am going to rock this world. Political life can be stifling at times. It’s time to stop giving back to my country, and just make some noise.”

When asked if his new band had a name yet, the nascent rock star replied; “Well, I was going to go with “The WMDs” but I had my staff Google it, and turns out there’s already a band with that name. They’re nowhere near as good as my crew, and I’m considering a lawsuit, because, you know, I believe it was me that came up with that term and there may be a copy write infringement issue here. If that doesn’t make it past Scalia and Thomas, I’ve got a couple other ideas. ‘Shock ‘n Awe, Shit’ is one. Maybe ‘The Know-Knows’. I have to kick it around with my lead guitar man, Michael Richardson. He’s looking for a new life himself. We have a stage name for him: ‘Nigger’.”

Besides Nigger’s “kickin’ ” guitar lead, Mr. Rumsfeld, or “Rummy” as he now wishes to be known by everyone, not just his inner circle at the White House, said he was going to “revolutionize” rock ‘n roll by employing some of the weaponry put into use during his tenure as Defense Secretary. “Nobody’s used Predator drones on stage. They lay down a very cool sound. And I’ve got IEDs blowing up Hummers on CD, with the sounds of screaming, wounded Marines, and we’re going to lay down some cool shit over that. Is that kick-ass? You bet it is.”

When some reporters expressed surprise that Mr. Rumsfeld had such passion for metal music, he replied; “What, did you think it was the CIA that came up with playing Slayer and Nine Inch Nails on those terrorists? No. It was me. Because I knew those killers just wouldn’t get those bands. They’re just a bunch of cavemen, how are they going to feel what Slayer is all about? Me, if I’d been in that cell naked with the lights full-on with no food for twenty four hours at a stretch getting drenched with freezing cold water and defecating on myself with the ‘Nails blasting, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t need to call on Allah, because I’d be in heaven right then.”

With that, Mr. Rumsfeld raised his hands in the classic rocker gesture, forefingers and pinkies upraised, threw aside the podium, and plunged into the crowd of shocked reporters, who, being squares, didn’t know enough to catch him, so he hit the floor with a nasty smack.

“C’mon, man!” he shouted. “Don’t you know a killer show when you see one?”

—Scot Crawford

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

WEDNESDAY

From the LA Times about euphemism:

HUNGRY? NO, IT’S A LACK OF FOOD SECURITY

WASHINGTON — The U.S. government has vowed that Americans will never be hungry again. But they may experience “very low food security.”

Mark Nord, a USDA sociologist and lead author of the report, said Wednesday that “hungry” was “not a scientifically accurate term for the specific phenomenon being measured in the food security survey.”

The department said that 12% of Americans — 35 million people — could not put food on the table at least part of last year. Eleven million of them reported going hungry at times. Beginning this year, the Agriculture Department has determined “very low food security” to be a more scientifically palatable description for that group.

—I have a better description for them than that. “Lazy-ass motherfuckers with too many TVs.” And I want to know how many of them are black, because as Kramer has reminded us, there are some niggers out there still, and, well, you know what they’re like. Anyway, I’m feeling a bit peckish, so I’m going to go grab a bite. Can I get you 35 million folks anything?

TUESDAY

From the Washington Post on some religious upheaval:

POPE PRESIDES AT VATICAN SUMMIT ON CELIBACY

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) – Pope Benedict met top advisers on Thursday to discuss the status of celibacy among Roman Catholic clergy and requests by married priests who want to return to the active ministry.

The meeting of more than 20 heads of Vatican departments was called to debate a Vatican strategy to deal with a renegade African archbishop who has founded a movement of men who left the active ministry to wed and want to return as married men.

—I think if you’ve got the Catholic God bug going on for you, you ought to be able to be a priest no matter who you are. But you may want to check these guys for HIV, what with the Catholic Church’s progressive stance on condoms and all. Also, I’ve heard HIV is a problem in some African nations. Oh, and there have been whispers that some Catholic priests like to have sex with young boys from their flock, and they could get HIV, too. The last thing you guys need is another scandal. Just a heads up.

MONDAY

From the NY Times on lowered expectations:

A CAPTAIN’S JOURNEY FROM HOPE TO JUST GETTING HER UNIT HOME

BAGHDAD, Nov. 18 — Capt. Stephanie A. Bagley and the military police company she commands arrived in Iraq in December 2005 brimming with optimism about taking on one of the most urgent tasks in Iraq: building a new police force.

Now, as the 21st Military Police Company approaches the end of a deployment marked by small victories and enormous disappointments, Captain Bagley is focused on a more modest goal.

“I just want to get everyone home,” she said. In the past several weeks, Captain Bagley, 30, barred her troops from foot patrols in the most violent neighborhoods and eliminated all nonessential travel. “I’m just not willing to lose another soldier,” she said.

—Well, I’m with you. On the other hand, you might best become willing. It’s kind of inevitable, now, no?

At the beginning of her deployment, she hoped that by the end of the year the police would be able to respond to calls from any neighborhood without American help. But after the bombing of an important Shiite shrine in February incited a surge in sectarian violence, she decided that goal was unrealistic.

She decided to focus on developing the top officers, particularly the station commanders. “We realized that if we didn’t have a strong leader, the station won’t work,” she said.

—Must have been a blinding revelation. Kind of like how I felt in the 2000, and 2004, elections, and, for that matter, every other one I’ve had to live through. But I still believe in the process. I do.

AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AND AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT

EVOLUTION INSURGENCY!

The White House today admitted for the first time that the country was facing a determined insurgency from evolution.

Backing off from earlier language, in which the Bush Administration referred to the evolutionary phenomenon as a few bad seeds, or a pack of fossilized hoodlums, or just stating that the success of evolution was itself a sign that it was in its death throes, the administration, perhaps in the wake of the thumping Republicans took in the midterm elections, admitted that evolution was in fact an insurgency for which they had not sufficiently planned.

“The weight of evidence to the existence of a bona fide evolution insurgency that is not going away is mounting,” said White House spokesperson Tony Snow, who some scientists speculate is nothing more than previous spokesperson Scott McClellan with a tiny, tiny mutation. “Fossils continue to explode around the world, we’ve heard reports that there are WMDs in the oceans, and now, to make matters more complicated, there’s this thing called DNA that apparently has the power to disrupt spiritual awakening, and the transfer of necessary social services during the reconstruction of religious belief.”

When pressed about what the Administration planned to do about what many are calling a crisis, Mr. Snow said that the President was convening a special task force to deal with the problem. “We’re putting some of our best people on it, and I assure you, we will win this war. We are going to stay the course, though, we are a flexible bunch, and may slightly alter the course on which we will stay.”

Mr. Snow said that all the members of the task force, which goes by the acronym FIGHT, for Fight Insurgency, God Hates the Truth, had not yet all been selected, but said that some members were shoo-ins. “The Pope will be there, I can tell you that. Probably a right-wing Rabbi, and at least one of those guys that bombs abortion clinics. We’re trying to get God on board, but as you know, he’s a busy man. I mean God. All those guys we need for sure, especially the abortion bomber, because he has the technical expertise necessary for what may be a long, long war. You see, evolution only has to be right once, and God has to be right every single time. This will be difficult.”

Mr. Snow said that no detailed battle plans had yet been settled on, but said that we would “take the war to the enemy”, and “fight them over there, so we don’t have to fight them over here”. When asked what he meant by “over there”, Mr. Snow gestured vaguely. “We’re right now looking for answers to that very question. We do have a name for the battle though, we’re calling it; Operation Point Your Asshole at the Future. Has a ring, no?”

—Scot Crawford

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

FRIDAY

From Al Jazeera on voter disillusionment:

US MIDTERMS ELECTIONS: AN IRAQI PERSPECTIVE

AMY GOODMAN: Do you think the U.S. elections were monitored closely in Iraq?

RAED JARRAR: I don’t think they were monitored closely. I don’t even think that the majority of Iraqi people knew that they were happening. It’s like people are having bigger disasters in their daily life, you know, like they can’t actually have maybe electricity to listen to the news or what’s happening in their own country, so —

—Hey, I empathize. I was so busy trying to find a job, get laid, find a wife who can stand me, and drink myself to death in despair, I didn’t know about the elections myself. The crystal meth probably didn’t help. My teeth always hurt.

THURSDAY

Some sickening propoganda from Al Jazeera:

DEPLETED URANIUM BEHIND THE SURGE IN CANCER RATES IN IRAQ

In 1991, Washington and its Persian Gulf War allies used armor-piercing shells made of depleted uranium — the first time such weapons had been used in military conflicts — as the Iraqis retreated from Kuwait.

Up till now, the battlefield remains a radioactive toxic wasteland — and depleted uranium munitions remain a mystery despite many studies and many attempts by scientists to fully discover its secrets.

Once DU round strikes a solid object like a tank, it bursts into a burning spray of radioactive dust, which can remain on site for years.
Many reports and political experts confirmed that the U.S. and British troops fired more than 940,000 depleted uranium projectiles during the 1991 conflict.
The U.S. is believed to have used 320,000 tons of depleted uranium during the Gulf War alone. Also British Armed Forces used depleted uranium in some of its ammunition.

In 2001, the World Health Organization (WHO) released a study on depleted uranium after serious doubts emerged over its damage to health.
The study claimed that depleted uranium had very little risk of spreading.
But a scientist who had worked for the WHO at that time later stated that another study that was kept concealed from the public contradicted WHO’s claim, and that it asserts that depleted uranium can cause cancer.

In an interview with BBC Radio 4, Dr. Keith Baverstock, who worked on the published study, said that Depleted uranium inhalation has geno-toxic effects on DNA. “When you breathe in the dust the deeper it goes into the lung the more difficult it is to clear. The particles that dissolve pose a risk – part radioactive – and part from the chemical toxicity in the lung – and then later as that material diffuses into the rest of the body, and into the blood stream, a potential risk at sites like the bone marrow for leukemia, the lymphatic system and the kidney,” Dr. Baverstock said, adding that this study was excluded from the report released earlier by WHO.
Cancer rate in Iraq has increased tenfold, and the number of birth defects has multiplied fivefold times since the 1991 war. The increase is believed to be caused by depleted uranium.

Many scientists sought to investigate these events, but Washington is blocking any attempt to inspect the aftermath of the war.
Also the U.S. refused refused to cooperate with the United Nations on the issue.

—Found the WMDs. Bet you traitors feel pretty foolish now.

WEDNESDAY

From the Washington Post on religious tolerance:

MINNISOTA LAWMAKER FIRST MUSLIM IN CONGRESS

Keith Ellison never ran on his religion — or away from it. Ellison, a state lawmaker and lawyer, has become the first Muslim elected to Congress, and the first nonwhite elected to Congress from Minnesota.

The seat was thrown open when longtime Rep. Martin Sabo said he would retire after 28 years. On Tuesday, Ellison beat Republican Alan Fine and the Independence Party’s Tammy Lee.

—Of course, Mr. Fine and Ms. Lee were both Pagans, which turned off the electorate. And Mr. Ellison didn’t know he was Muslim until last week, when his mom told him. Said she didn’t want him to be stigmatized, so she didn’t mention it before.

TUESDAY

From the Washington Post about a possible environmental catastrophe:

DESPITE BILLIONS SPENT, REBUILDING INCOMPLETE

“What reconstruction?” Othman said in an interview last week. “Today we are drinking untreated water from a plant built decades ago that was never maintained. The electricity only visits us two hours a day. And now we are going backwards. We cook on the firewood we gather from the forests because of the gas shortage.”

—Forests?! You guys have them? I had no idea, I thought it was just like, sand and violence. Here’s what you need to do, because we Americans know about deforestation; institute an Iraqi Arbor Day. And maybe get some irrigation going in the dry areas. We’ll try and help you with that. For you guys, maybe there should be an Arbor Day, like, oh, every day. Plus, you’ll be helping trap carbon monoxide which is bad for the whole greenhouse gases deal, and you can leap to the forefront of the nations with responsible environmental policy. Though, probably, there’s some wacko sect out there that hates trees, and you’ll lose a few folks from insurgents dressing up as trees and blowing themselves up. But, nothin’s easy.

MONDAY

From the NY Times on an unexpected development:

VETERANS AWAIT A RESTING PLACE THAT IS TRULY FINAL

The problem can be traced to a long lull in building cemeteries, between 1940 and 1970.

Deaths are expected to peak this year, at 688,000, and continue near that level for a long time, as 9.5 million of the nation’s living veterans are over the age of 65. The Department of Veterans Affairs says it will take at least until 2009 to catch up with demand.

At least two women in the county have decided the wait is already too long. Catherine Leckie, another Vietnam-era widow, is one of them. Her late husband, Arthur, a marine, died a year and a half ago of a cancer caused by Agent Orange. Mr. Leckie had been awed, years ago, by his parents’ funeral at Arlington National Cemetery, she said, which was “like seeing a president buried on TV.”
A full veteran’s burial appealed to her, with a 21-gun salute, taps played by a lone bugler and the American flag snapped into a crisp triangle. Indiantown Gap was too far from her home in Ottsville, Pa. So following her husband’s humorous last wishes, lifted from an article called “Going Out With a Bang,” she loaded part of his ashes into shotgun shells that a dozen of his buddies fired over favorite duck blinds or fishing holes. The remaining ashes are stored in an old shotgun shell box beside her bed.

—I’m a coward, and no soldier, and I’m grateful to those out there who aren’t chickenshit, but I think I’d opt for the “Going out with a Bang” deal. Watching a president get buried is kinda sanctimonious, and frankly, just no fun at all. My father was a Marine, and I rang him up and asked him how he wanted to go out, and he said he wanted to be strapped to a laser-guided smart bomb and shot at Crawford, Texas.

—Scot Crawford

AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AND AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT

RUMSFELD ADMITS TORTURE!

In a startling turnaround, former Defense Secretary admitted to authorizing the use of torture on the American people.

Though he continues to deny having any role in the torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison, and at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, he confessed to torturing both the American people, and President Bush himself.

“Did I torture people? Yes. Did I like it? Yes. Was it part of my job description to do these things? Unclear. Am I a patriot? Depends on whose in power. Am I gay? Possibly. Do I dream of whips, waterboarding, attaching electrodes to the testicles of those I love? At very specific moments, which I can’t reveal for national security reasons.”

Mr. Rumsfeld confessed that when Mr. Bush got on his knees and begged for him to resign so that Mr. Bush wouldn’t have to fire him and lose face, Mr. Rumsfeld grabbed him by the neck, threw him across the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom, and stuffed soaking wet towels into his mouth to simulate drowning. He then stripped the president naked, strapped him to the bed, played Nine Inch Nails at maximum volume (a live show because there is no sound system in the Lincoln Bedroom) and turned up the gas lights in the room to maximum brightness. (They are very nostalgic at the White House, and have never converted the Lincoln bedroom to electric lighting) Then, he showed Photoshopped images of himself assfucking Laura Bush, and others of Jenna Bush tossing back shots of Woo-Woos until the point where she fellated her black Secret Service guard.

As regards the American people as a whole, Mr. Rumsfeld admitted to lying, obfuscating, and maddening them with interrogative rhetorical questions that defied comprehension, and further inquisition. He also admitted to driving reporters, and the citizenry, insane, with his supercilious manner, giving them the impression that he thought they were all retards incapable of understanding even the simplest political concepts, and pretending that he could win wars by ignoring the advice of actual warriors, and “streamlining” the military by making lightweight attack vehicles vulnerable to injuries to soldiers by a couple of M-80s.

“Do I have regrets? No. Yes, well a couple. I wanted to cover the whole country with bright florescent lighting, pound every citizen with accusations until they confessed to things they hadn’t done, and hit every newspaper in the country with precision-guided missiles loaded with neo-conservative propaganda – which by the way, would result in very few civilian deaths – and make the people as a whole beg for mercy by being just the biggest asshole they’d ever encountered, including Rick Santorum, who, by the way, was instrumental in devising torture methods involving the use of forced sex with animals, which we unfortunately were never able to implement in Iraq because the stray dogs there are really hard to catch. Oh, wait, I didn’t torture Iraqis, some apples did.”

—Scot Crawford