the Shackle Report

The is the first in a four-part mini-series about the top ten (or so) people, issues, events and playthings that floated to the top in our Ninth Ward last year. Starting at the back end. . .

10. THE BEST REASON TO SCRAP YOUR CATBOX

Maukie!

Maukie the Internet Pet does numerous endearing things and never gets ear mites.

Turn up your audio and roll your cursor over Maukie’s forhead, rest it below the white patch on chest, swipe it below paws, overhead and. . .well, you’ve got it by now: Everything your president has been asking for — total control. What more could you want in the way of democracy?

And Here are Five Runners up:

11. BEST RIGHT WING NUT JOB
Senator John McCain showed you could be:

1. principled,
2. humane,
3. sensitive to international opinion

. . .and still think a fetus is as much a person as Condoleeza Rice.

12. BEST PLAGUE
Bedbugs invade Manhattan’s tony Upper East and West Sides. Unlike bird flu, they actually arrived. Unlike anthrax or that strangely catching disease called Fundamentalism, they promise to torment us without robbing us of our basic freedoms, including the freedom to scratch.

13. BEST FAST FOOD/GAS
Even more important than eating green tacos and driving to work without enriching one of Osama’s royal relatives, is culturally cleansing green culture for the NASCAR crowd, which means sandblasting away environmentalism’s aura of effete self-righteousness. The Chipotle Mexican take-out chain, although it would look at home in a mega-mall and is 92% owned by McDonald’s, uses Niman Ranch “naturally raised” pork, meaning they don’t torture their pigs before turning them into burritos. Willie Nelson’s biofuel company, BioWillie, may not be the answer to global warming, but it at least its gas pumps aren’t designed by the West Elm gang, and it asks the question, “Why burn fossils?” in a much homier way than, say, 2,000 dead soldiers.

14. BEST CELEBRITY INCARCERATION
Yes, Martha Stewart made a comeback from legal disgrace, but that was something even Lizzie “It was an accident!” Grubman more-or-less managed. The reason Stewart tops the comeback charts this year is because — like the equally elegant Nelson Mandela — she managed to merchandise both her incarceration and her release. Top that, Li’l Kim.

15. BEST VIDEOGAME CHEAT
“Prostitutes pay you” from Grand Theft Auto — San Andreas. In Pimp Mode 2, it’s RIGHT, WHITE, WHITE, DOWN, WHITE, UP, UP, WHITE, BLACK. Got that? Or, if you’re not a playa, you can always cheat to attain “No Muscle and No Fat” with Y, UP, UP, LEFT, RIGHT, X, B, RIGHT. So now you won’t need to go out and buy “Grand Theft Auto XII — South Beach, the Lo-Carb Challenge.”

Tomorrow. . . the top 7, 8 and 9.

— Maggie Cutler