the Shackle Report

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

FRIDAY

From the NY Times with some good news in Iraq:

MOST TRIBES IN ANBAR AGREE TO UNITE AGAINST INSURGENTS

…the tribes wanted weapons, equipment and tactical help from an Iraqi Army brigade. “The terrorists have different kinds of weapons while we have only AK-47’s”…

—A battallion of suicide bombers are on their way.

THURSDAY

Surprising news from the NY Times:

NO CUTBACK LIKELY IN US TROOP LEVELS FOR IRAQ BEFORE SPRING, TOP REGIONAL COMMANDER SAYS

The American complement fell to 127,000 earlier this year but rose again after Baghdad grew increasingly unstable. The force now includes 14 combat brigades and elements of two others, one of which is in the process of leaving Iraq, a military spokesman said.

“If you had asked me six months ago,” General Abizaid said, “I would have said that we would be down a couple of brigades from what we currently have…”

—”But, you didn’t ask, so, surprise! In fact, to my knowledge, the whole issue of troop levels is brand-new. It’s coming right out of left field for me, so, you’re going to have to give me some time to look into it, and then I’ll get back to you. Who exactly is concerned about this, any idea? Just maybe a little clue, get me started in the right direction with my investigation?”

WEDNESDAY

More proof from the NY Times that the Iraq project is coming right along:

IRAQIS PLAN TO RING BAGHDAD WITH TRENCHES

The Iraqi government plans to seal off Baghdad within weeks by ringing it with a series of trenches and setting up dozens of traffic checkpoints to control movement in and out of the violent city of seven million people, an Interior Ministry spokesman said Friday.

President Bush said at a news conference on Friday that the Iraqis were “building a berm around the city to make it harder for people to come in with explosive devices, for example.” Military officials said the Iraqis had considered such a project earlier, but decided to go with trenches instead.

The wide cordon to be erected around the city is critical to the new security plan and will be completed within weeks, General Khalaf said. American and Iraqi officials have long said the capital is easily infiltrated because it abuts restive areas such as Anbar Province and the region to the south known as the Triangle of Death.

—Man, I’m getting confused. Bush says it’s a berm, the Iraqis say it’s a trench, I heard from the Jews that it was going to be a wall, Human Rights Watch said they were going to just take all their volunteers and join hands to encircle the city, the Russians said it was going to be a lot of razor wire and depressed soldiers, the English said they were just going to pick up the whole city and move it somewhere else so the insurgents wouldn’t be able to find it at all, the Australians said they were going to have a moat filled with sting rays now that we know those are in fact dangerous…I mean, what’s it going to be? I guess it’s good to keep the enemy guessing, though…not knowing what we’re going to do, it’ll take them, oh, twenty minutes to change tactics, once we make our move.

I have a suggestion though, as long as we’re going all high tech with our methods, why don’t we have some burning oil, too, with our trenches? Though, I guess burning oil isn’t any fun without castles and big walls to pour it from, so we’ll need a few of those…Halliburton can build castles, can’t they? They should be about done building all the new hospitals by now, though, the way people just get hurt all the time over there, seems like you could never have enough hospitals…Oh, oh! I know! Tresbuchets! Man, those things are cool, you can fling like, a refrigerator a hundred yards with one of those, and there should be plenty of refrigerators sitting around, since there’s no electricity anymore…and, and, um…battering rams! Battering rams! Manned by trolls that we find in the Carpathian mountains where they live! Unless Sauron has already turned the trolls to the dark side, we’ll have to see, they used to be nice. Then it’ll be like, the Triangle of Death against the Circle of Hell, in the Ultimate Battle for World Dominion! Yeah!

TUESDAY

From the LA Times about the still-burgeoning civil rights movement:

ARM AGAINST ‘KATRICIANS’, GUN DEALERS TELL HOUSTON

“When the ‘Katricians’ themselves are quoted as saying the crime rate is gonna go up if they don’t get more free rent, then it’s time to get your concealed-handgun license,” warns the radio ad by Jim Pruett, who co-hosts a bombastic talk-radio show and owns Jim Pruett’s Guns & Ammo, a self-styled “anti-terrorist headquarters” that sells knives, shotguns, semi-automatic rifles and other weapons. As Pruett describes the dangers posed by “Katricians,” glass can be heard shattering, and a bell tolling ominously.

Parnell “Herb” Herbert, a spoken-word artist and community organizer from New Orleans who wound up in Houston after the hurricane, said he chafed at being called a Katrina evacuee because he believed the label had taken on a negative connotation in the media and did not describe who he was.

“I am not a Katrina evacuee; I am a New Orleanian living in Houston. I am a father, a grandfather, a Vietnam vet,” Herbert said.

“Now this guy wants to call me a ‘Katrician’ or ‘Katrinanite’ or whatever, which sounds like Martian or something,” he added. “It’s frightening to see what is happening. When we were brought here from Africa, we were dehumanized.”

—Okay, Mr. Negro Spoken Word Artist, in the first place, New Orleans isn’t in Africa, it’s in South America, so trying to make this a slavery issue or something just doesn’t wash. Get your facts straight. Slavery was a free-trade issue, part of the Bermuda Trade Triangle, where Europeans sent gold and silver to Africa in exchange for volunteers to help colonize the New World. The volunteers were brought to the New World, where in exchange for their labor, their forebears would get to live in a free society hundreds of years later, where they could sit on their porches in the Ninth Ward and drink beer from 40 oz. bottles and listen to music, and no one would bother them. Even when a big hurricane came, they were left alone to handle it however they wanted for days. You see? The word ‘free’ is in the word ‘freedom.’ You were free to drown, or leave or do whatever you wanted, and you chose to get on a bus and go to Houston. Now, you are part of a new trade triangle, called the Katrinian Trade Triangle, where New Orleans sends volunteers to Houston, where they help make that uptight city a little less so in exchange for oil and natural gas revenues, that are then taken by three-masted schooner around the Cape of Pretty Good Dope, to Washington D.C., where the energy revenues are given to FEMA, who buys trailers to send to New Orleans, so that any of the Katrina volunteers who would like to stay where they are can have a safe place to live when the next major hurricane hits. You are a part of history, sir, so when the bullets go flying over your head from the red-blooded Americans in Houston protecting their property, try and remember that, and remember that freedom is not free. ‘Kay?

MONDAY

From the La Times on a current firefight in the clash of civilizations:

IRAQ AL-QAIDA SAYS POPE, WEST ARE DOOMED

CAIRO, Egypt — An al-Qaida-linked extremist group warned Pope Benedict XVI on Monday that he and the West were “doomed,” as protesters raged across the Muslim world to demand more of an apology from the pontiff for his remarks about Islam and violence.

—And, you know, the violent demonstrations worked so well, the Pope has agreed to publicly drop to his knees, snivel and convert to Islam. And, the protests have had the added benefit of changing world opinion of Islam as a violent religion. So much so that Islamists have announced plans to slice off women’s genitalia to protest the perception that Islam is a misogynistic religion. And, to combat the perception that they are a fascistic religion, they have announced plans to burn Jews in ovens after they push Israel into the sea. And to show that they are in fact civilized and not barbaric like they have been portrayed, they’re planning to play football with the heads of the dead civilians they kill with their suicide bombers, throw puppies under tanks, ass-fuck their fathers and piss on their mother’s heads, and eat their own shit.

—Scot Crawford