the Shackle Report

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RUMSFELD ROCKS!

CBGBs, New York City – Ex-Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced at a press conference here that, since he is now unemployed, he is going to follow his lifelong dream of being the lead singer of a thrash-metal band.

“Have I always wanted to do this? Yes. Did I believe I had the talent? Of course. As my mother always used to say to me; ‘Donald, you’re so smart, you could do anything.’ Do I regret my digression into political life? Well, you know, regret’s a funny thing. Sometimes you regret what you regret, but you don’t know you regret it until the regret becomes regrettably obvious. What I do know is, I am going to rock this world. Political life can be stifling at times. It’s time to stop giving back to my country, and just make some noise.”

When asked if his new band had a name yet, the nascent rock star replied; “Well, I was going to go with “The WMDs” but I had my staff Google it, and turns out there’s already a band with that name. They’re nowhere near as good as my crew, and I’m considering a lawsuit, because, you know, I believe it was me that came up with that term and there may be a copy write infringement issue here. If that doesn’t make it past Scalia and Thomas, I’ve got a couple other ideas. ‘Shock ‘n Awe, Shit’ is one. Maybe ‘The Know-Knows’. I have to kick it around with my lead guitar man, Michael Richardson. He’s looking for a new life himself. We have a stage name for him: ‘Nigger’.”

Besides Nigger’s “kickin’ ” guitar lead, Mr. Rumsfeld, or “Rummy” as he now wishes to be known by everyone, not just his inner circle at the White House, said he was going to “revolutionize” rock ‘n roll by employing some of the weaponry put into use during his tenure as Defense Secretary. “Nobody’s used Predator drones on stage. They lay down a very cool sound. And I’ve got IEDs blowing up Hummers on CD, with the sounds of screaming, wounded Marines, and we’re going to lay down some cool shit over that. Is that kick-ass? You bet it is.”

When some reporters expressed surprise that Mr. Rumsfeld had such passion for metal music, he replied; “What, did you think it was the CIA that came up with playing Slayer and Nine Inch Nails on those terrorists? No. It was me. Because I knew those killers just wouldn’t get those bands. They’re just a bunch of cavemen, how are they going to feel what Slayer is all about? Me, if I’d been in that cell naked with the lights full-on with no food for twenty four hours at a stretch getting drenched with freezing cold water and defecating on myself with the ‘Nails blasting, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t need to call on Allah, because I’d be in heaven right then.”

With that, Mr. Rumsfeld raised his hands in the classic rocker gesture, forefingers and pinkies upraised, threw aside the podium, and plunged into the crowd of shocked reporters, who, being squares, didn’t know enough to catch him, so he hit the floor with a nasty smack.

“C’mon, man!” he shouted. “Don’t you know a killer show when you see one?”

—Scot Crawford