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Citing the popularity of the National Guard’s program to supply families with life-size photographs of their soldiers on duty overseas in order to ease the pain of separation, the military has announced plans to expand the “Flat Daddy” program.

Up until now, the photographic cutouts have depicted the soldiers in battle fatigues, gun in hand. After consulting with psychologists, some of whom were involved in the BISCUITS program providing advice on how to best torture detainees at Guantanamo Bay, the military has decided to provide more life-size photographs depicting the soldier in various attitudes of his or her domestic life.

Using home videos and photographs supplied by the families, the National Guard is planning to supply life-sized cutouts of the soldier playing ball with his kids, saying grace at the dinner table, flying into an unreasonable fury at something very minor like a broken water glass because of post-traumatic stress, and in the throes of premature orgasm caused by prolonged lack of sex and difficulty transitioning to intimacy after spending years killing people.

“Our psychologists said that it would help the families cope even better if their father or husband wasn’t always dressed up ready for battle, because it creates a feeling of separation, and a feeling that Daddy has something else on his mind other than being intimate with his loved ones,” said National Guard colonel Milton Major. “We need a more human approach.”

Some psychotherapists have criticized the program, citing the potential for families feeling that the cut-outs “just aren’t the same as the real thing”, leaving them with an enhanced feeling of abandonment. Also, they have warned of the potential for more pain when the soldier comes home, and has to deal with his family’s attachment to the cutout. Dr. Jane Smith said: “It’s very possible that if the soldier has a long tour of duty, the family could develop very strong attachments to the photo, and the soldier’s return could cause more trauma, in the form of separation anxiety from the cutout. After all, there are many advantages to having a photo instead of the real thing. No anger, no discipline for the children, he’s always available, since obviously, he can’t move around by himself. The soldier could return home to almost a Vietnam-like atmosphere of anger and mistrust and disinterest, which could trigger even greater mental strife for soldier and families alike.”

National Guard psychologists have dismissed the criticisms, saying that any normal family will be able to easily transfer their feelings of abandonment to a photograph in a healthy, positive way, and transfer them again to the real soldier upon his return from the theatre of battle with serious psychological problems, difficulty adjusting to civilian life, and the overwhelming desire to reenlist and go back to where he feels wanted. Guard colonel Major said: “If we do run into an instance in which the family struggles to make the adjustment, we will deal with that. We care about our servicemen, and if we have to, we’ll provide a cutout of a psychiatrist to provide family counseling, and cover a large percentage of the cost of treatment.”

—Scot Crawford