Press Clips — January 16
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Tel Aviv, Israel – Mossad, the Israeli Secret Service, announced today that it has concluded an intense investigation based upon allegations that there was a Jewish conspiracy behind Ariel Sharon’s recent stroke.
“We were very concerned when these allegations first arose, because as everyone knows, Jews are often accused of being behind conspiracies throughout the world, notably the Sept. 11 attacks on NYC,” said Ishmael Abraham, the head of Mossad. “We have to take all allegations of conspiracy very seriously.”
The investigation, kept secret throughout the last few days after Mr. Sharon’s debilitating stroke, took Mossad agents through the underbelly of Israel’s political world, often resulting in the agents spending long periods in shadowy places, disguising themselves as Jews in black hats and coats, and even eavesdropping on the faithful whispering their prayers at the Western Wall.
“We found,” said Mr. Abraham, “to our surprise, that the allegations were true. The evidence has led us to the conclusion that it was the Jews who were behind the dastardly crime.”
The irony is that Mr. Sharon, who is often quoted as saying “The Jews are not easy people,” was more right than he knew: Mossad has concluded that the sheer difficulty of the Jewish people was the primary cause of Mr. Sharon’s stroke.
“This will not go unpunished,” said Mr. Abraham. “The Jews will be hunted down and brought to justice.”
— Scot Crawford
