Pedophile Draft
AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AND AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT
PEDOPHILE DRAFT!
The Pentagon – In a move designed to address two critical problems facing America today, pedophilia and low military recruitment numbers, the Defense Department announced that it will begin drafting the growing population of pedophiles burdening the US penal system into the military, and sending them directly to Iraq.
“It’s a classic two birds with one stone solution,” said Brigadier General Thad “The Thad” Stone. “It’s that American can-do attitude, never say die, we rock – you guys suck, entrepreneurial spirit in action. We’re very pleased.”
Noting that new military recruitment standards, including accepting the severely mentally handicapped, illegal immigrants, felons, apathetic youngsters, recent retirees that are broke and feel useless, people with crippling credit card debt, psychos that just want to kill something, and animals rescued from sure euthanasia, hadn’t been enough to meet requirements for the nation’s growing number of conflicts, Gen. Stone called the new pedophile draft strategy; “the obvious next step.”
“In keeping with Bush Administration policy to reject all complexity, we asked ourselves this question; Do we want them [the pedophiles] molesting our children over here, or shooting their children over there? The answer was staring us right in the face like a one-eyed trouser snake.”
Gen. Stone went on to point out that previous methods for dealing with pedophiles had been less than perfectly successful. “Keeping them in jail forever being gang-raped by a better class of criminal just wasn’t cost-effective. And even the forced sex wasn’t improving the morale of the non-pedophiliac prison population. These child molesters really dampen people’s spirits.”
Releasing them into the normal population has its downsides as well. Researchers have noted that the communities receiving the pedophiles generally take a hostile attitude towards their new members, hurting the chances of successful rehabilitation, and reentry into society. Oddly, it seems that the policy of notifying communities that a pedophile was moving in brought out “negative connotations” among the non-pedophiliac members, prompting some to push for even harsher measures to ensure child safety: Vengeful zealot and mother of two Matilda Seeth barked: “It’s not enough! Putting a sign on his car saying ‘Pedophile On Board’ just doesn’t cut it! Many children aren’t old enough to read.”
Gen. Stone points to Mrs. Seeth’s comments as just more support for the new policy. “After the signs, and community notification, we were moving toward a policy where the offender would be forced to wear a tattoo of a red ‘P’ on his forehead. We wanted to put the whole word ‘pedophile’, but most of them don’t have foreheads big enough for that. The print was so small that by the time you were close enough to read it, it was too late. Which makes sense when you think about it. Pedophiles probably have pretty small heads. And just a ‘P’ is too vague. I mean, think about it. A ‘P’ could mean anything to a kid. Poop. Pimp. Prostitute. Polygamist. Or someone who just likes peas a little too much to be a good neighbor. You see the problem. We needed a more pro-active solution, something with teeth, that would put boots on the ground, and help us get through the late innings of our wars when they go into sudden death overtime. Plus, if pedophiles get killed, who cares really? When you factor that in, it’s more like three birds with one stone.”
When asked whether the pedophiles would be welcome in a traditionally right-wing community like the military, seeing the spotty history it has had with accepting homosexuals and women, the general had this to say; “No, they’ll be reviled worse than they would be at home. But if we can get them to kill even a few Iraqi children before they are brutally slain by their comrades, well that’s like killing four birds with one stone. We’re getting up to a whole flock of dead birds, and that is a goal worth shooting for.”
— Scot Crawford