the Shackle Report

Lawyers for Gitmo detainees were accused recently of smuggling underpants to detainees — specifically a pair of briefs by Under Armour (a company that markets a line of temperature-control “performance” underclothing), and a Speedo bathing suit.

The reply of one of the lawyers, is a masterpiece of its genre, despite a few redundancies. For example, “On the issue of the Speedo swimming trunks,” he wrote, “my research really does not help very much. I cannot imagine who would want to give my client Speedos, or why. Mr. Aamer is hardly in a position to go swimming, since the only available water is the toilet in his cell.

“I should say that your letter brought to mind a sign in the changing room of a local swimming pool,” he concludes, “which showed someone diving into a lavatory, with the caption, “We don’t swim in your toilet, so please don’t pee in our pool”. I presume that nobody thinks that Mr. Aamer wears Speedos while paddling in his privy.

“Please assure me that you are satisfied that neither I nor my colleagues had anything to do with this. In light of the fact that you felt it necessary to question whether we had violated the rules, I look forward to hearing the conclusion of your investigation.

“All the best.

“Yours sincerely,

“Clive A. Stafford Smith”

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

SUNDAY

From the Washington Post on nipping things in the bud:

IS THAT 4-YEAR-OLD REALLY A SEX OFFENDER?

Like many 3-year-olds, my son is very affectionate. He likes watching “Thomas the Tank Engine” on television and playing “Simon Says.” Could my son be accused of sexual harassment?

—I don’t know. When he plays “Simon Says” does he say; “Simon Says ‘blow me.’”?

I recently learned that children nationwide, some of preschool age, have been suspended from school or taken to jail after being accused of sexual harassment. In their zeal to avoid lawsuits, educators seem to be ignoring important information, such as whether the accused child intended to commit a crime or even knows how to pronounce the word “harassment.”

—Or knows what “intend” means. Or “crime”. Or “commit”. But, hey, in our system, ignorance of the law is not an excuse.

Sex education tends to be controversial, partly because parents have such varying and often strongly held beliefs about how, when and even if the topic should be introduced to their children.

—Sex education tends to be controversial because people don’t get enough of it, when they do it’s not that good, and it’s more complicated and emotionally taxing then they think it should be. So, out of confusion and revenge, they turn around and totally fuck their kids on the issue. Metaphorically speaking, I mean. Most of the time it’s metaphorical, anyway.

But if schools have the authority to brand a 3-year-old a sex offender, they also have the responsibility to provide parents with clear guidelines about appropriate physical conduct.

—Ooh, “branding”. Stop it, you’re turning me on.

You know what? I think kids are growing up too fast now. We should go back to the old days, when we kept them in the dark until they were in a total twist about the whole issue, became shitty lovers because they had no experience ’cause they got married too early and only ever fucked one person, and spent their whole lives trying to figure out why sex sort of sucked when everyone also thought it was supposed to be a good thing. Then they have to go out and by books to study up on how to be a decent lay, so when they try to fuck they have all that information running around in their heads along with the performance anxiety, fear of getting fired, and that strong underlying sense that they don’t really like this person.

—Scot Crawford

If you’re feeling frustrated that there’s no way to thwart the power of the media superpowers, try a session or two of Whack-a-Murdoch, brought to you by StopBigMedia.com.

Says Timothy Karr, Campaign Director at Free Press, “Right now, the Federal Communications Commission is rushing ahead with sweeping changes to media ownership rules that would allow Big Media to get even bigger.”

Speak Up for Localism
The FCC wants to lift media ownership rules and open the floodgates to wholesale consolidation of local newspaper, radio and television outlets. Big Media’s drive to control local outlets stifles the competition and diversity that are the lifeblood of a democratic media system.

* File a comment on this subject with the FCC
* Write a letter to the editor of your local paper

Tell the FCC to Stop Hiding the Facts
The FCC was recently accused of suppressing research studies that showed the negative impacts of consolidated media. Don’t let the FCC continue to bury evidence.

* File a comment on this subject with the FCC
* Write a letter to the editor of your local paper

CSI: DUI

Fox Broadcasting has announced a deal reached with Jerry Bruckheimer to launch a new spin-off of the hit series “CSI” to be called “CSI: DUI”.

The show is intended to both capitalize on the popularity of the other CSI shows, CSI New York, CSI Las Vegas, and CSI Miami, and add a new twist to the old formula.

“This is a new direction we’re taking with the series,” says Head of Distortion at Fox Broadcasting, Brian Lyer. “We’re breaking the mold, but not enough to put people off.”

Mr. Lyer went on to say that in contrast to the previous CSI shows, which focused on exploring the nuances of criminal activity, like the impact of genetics, family history, social environment, economic circumstances, and
psychological disorders among criminals, the new CSI would try to paint a more black and white picture of crime, specifically, Driving Under the Influence.

Mr. Lyer, speaking via cell phone from his car, says: “In the end, circumstances don’t matter. Crime is crime, criminals are evil, police are good, and people that drive under the influence need to be punished. Here at Fox, we strive for programming that provides a helpful commentary about societal problems. We try to present problems, and solutions. We feel this show does that very well. What bigger problem do we face than these drunks in their cars…whoa! Jesus Christ buddy, watch where you’re going! Fuck you, too! Asshole.”

The show is to star Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson as two police officers assigned to the DUI Unit of the LAPD. According to Mr. Bruckheimer, the two were eager to tear into these new and challenging roles: “When I pitched them the show, Mel said; ‘Yeah, sure, you fucking kike.’ And Lindsay said; ‘Whatever. I’m like, dead, anyway’. People don’t appreciate how funny these two are. By getting top-flight stars like Mel and Lindsay instead of wannabees and has-beens, we’ve spun the whole CSI series in a new way. Lucky for us, part of their sentences for getting their own DUIs was to do TV shows until their self-hate finally made them drink themselves to death. And also, they could use their real-life experience with the police as fodder for their characters. Mel plays a hard-boiled, take-no-prisoners cop who’s seen too much but still has a tiny, bitter heart, and Lindsay plays a nubile, idealistic do-gooder who still thinks justice can be achieved with heavy police tactics and zero tolerance policies. The show pivots around Lindsay becoming less foolishly optimistic because of Mel’s experience, and Mel becoming less jaded because of Lindsay’s youthful hopefulness. We all got totally shit-faced at the screening for the pilot, and man, it got pretty weepy. This show tops them all.”

—Scot Crawford

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

SATURDAY

From the NY Times on our sweet relations with our allies:

PUTIN CRITICIZES US OFFICIALS ON MISSILE DEFENSE

MOSCOW, Oct. 12 — President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia sharply upbraided the visiting American secretaries of state and defense on Friday as highly anticipated negotiations produced no specific accords to resolve growing disagreements over missile defense and other security issues.
Mr. Putin kept the Americans waiting 40 minutes before he appeared.

— And this after making them stay at the Super 8 in Grozny: “Don’t worry, you like. Very nice place. Very quiet. Sleep good.”

Mr. Putin dismissed with sarcasm the American plan to build components of a missile defense system in formerly Communist nations of Central Europe as a reaction to a threat that had not yet materialized.
“Of course, we can some time in the future decide that some antimissile defense should be established somewhere on the moon,” Mr. Putin said.

—Oh, dude. We already have missile defenses on the moon. You guys had better catch up.

…and from the NY Times on letting things get a touch out of hand:

NEW EVIDENCE THAT BLACKWATER GUARDS TOOK NO FIRE

BAGHDAD, Oct. 12 — Fresh accounts of the Blackwater shooting last month, given by three rooftop witnesses and by American soldiers who arrived shortly after the gunfire ended, cast new doubt Friday on statements by Blackwater guards that they were responding to armed insurgents when Iraqi investigators say 17 Iraqis were killed at a Baghdad intersection.

“I call it a massacre,” said Omar H. Waso, one of the witnesses. “It is illegal. They used the law of the jungle.”

—But, that’s the idea. To institute a system where the rule of law prevails.

The case has angered many in the military who believe that the conduct of the security guards makes the troops’ jobs harder. “If our people had done this,” another American military official said, “they would be court-martialed…”

—…found not guilty, and sent back out.

The shooting, on Sept. 16, and the deaths of two Iraqi women in a shooting by a different security company on Tuesday, have provoked anger at politically potent levels of Iraqi society.

—They have politically potent levels of Iraqi society now? We are winning.

…and from Al Jazeera on things going better than we ever hear about in the West:

CROWDS FLOCK TO BAGHDAD ZOO FOR EID

BAGHDAD, Oct 13, 2007 (AFP) – War-weary Baghdadis determined to forget daily violence and economic hardships on the Eid al-Fitr holiday flocked Saturday for a day of picnicking and recreation at the zoo, despite its dearth of animals.

— “Flocked.” That’s funny. Sure they didn’t “herd”? Where are the animals, anyway? Taken away for questioning? In solitary? Not allowed visitors or legal representation? Or just freed by PETA?

—Scot Crawford

AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AND AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT

IT’S THE SMOKERS!

In the heated race to find the ultimate culprit in the rise of global warming, a new champion has surfaced: smokers.

Dr. Andrew Guff, chairman of the Center for Using Science to Assign Blame, says that a new study has shown that smokers are the leading cause of global warming, replacing cowshit for the lead, and sending fossil fuels to a distant third.

“You’d think we would have seen it sooner,” says Dr. Guff. “There were all these stupid smokers standing around huffing smoke into the air, and what did we focus on? Their lungs. Health costs. Gouging tobacco companies for compensation. Meanwhile, polar bears are drowning, glaciers are melting, and the best we can do is blame cattlemen and energy companies. But now, we’ve got the real culprits.”

The new study will make it possible to subject smokers to even more punitive measures, going way beyond reviling them, making them stand outside to smoke, and viciously overcharging them to pay for health care for children.

“I for one am tired of these poor people smoking just because they live wretched, hand-to-mouth existences where prolonging their life by quitting is a dubious proposal at best,” says Dr. Guff. “They’re killing us all. We should make them pay, and pay hard.”

Mr. Robert Muel, head of the non-profit group Smokers for Smoking, asked for comment about the new study, responded; “Yeah, yeah, so fucking what? Whatever. My fault, ok? My bad. I suck. I’m shit. Punish me. Hey, you know what? Why don’t you give me an even shittier job than the one I have now? That’ll show me. And hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you cut my social security benefits? Or privatize it so I can lose everything unless I’m Joe Hedgefund and know how to invest wisely? Or raise my alimony and child support payments I have because I got married too early like a fucking retard and now I can barely afford to get completely shitfaced every night and grouse about my miserable life which seems to have no end in sight except the one I give myself by smoking? Hey, I got it! Why don’t you make me bail out the oceans on the weekends, so fucking Bangla-goddamn-desh doesn’t end up under water, god forbid those people should suffer, what with their great contributions to human civilization. Gotta light?”

— Scot Crawford

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

SUNDAY

From the NY Times on religious flexibility:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL, EXCEPT IN A POPULAR VIDEO GAME AT CHURCH

Across the country, hundreds of ministers and pastors desperate to reach young congregants have drawn concern and criticism through their use of an unusual recruiting tool: the immersive and violent video game Halo.

Once they come for the games, Gregg Barbour, the youth minister of the church said, they will stay for his Christian message. “We want to make it hard for teenagers to go to hell,” Mr. Barbour wrote in a letter to parents at the church.

—Jesus fucking Christ down from the cross, man, don’t teenagers have it hard enough already? I mean, fuck me running, it’s bad enough it’s so difficult and expensive to get into a good college nowadays, and now even Hell is going to be made more exclusive? What are you going to do, raise the bar on SAT scores for hell? Put higher interest rates on loans to afford hell?

“If you want to connect with young teenage boys and drag them into church, free alcohol and pornographic movies would do it,” said James Tonkowich, president of the Institute on Religion and Democracy, a nonprofit group that assesses denominational policies. “My own take is you can do better than that.”

—My own take is you can’t. And there’s no reason you couldn’t charge for the alcohol and the movies, because they’d be tax free since churches are, so they’d be cheap. It’s been pretty well shown that people generally have no problem paying for the things they really want. So once you have them all shit-faced, depressed, and craving sex they can’t have, whammo, bring Jesus into the picture and your pews will overfloweth.

In one letter to parents, Mr. Barbour wrote that God calls ministers to be “fishers of men.”
“Teens are our ‘fish,” he wrote. “So we’ve become creative in baiting our hooks.”

—And I’ll bet there’s a catch-and-release policy, isn’t there?

—Scot Crawford