the Shackle Report

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

WEDNESDAY

Another strike impending:

SECURITY GUARD FIRES FROM CONVOY, KILLING IRAQI DRIVER

BAGHDAD, Nov. 11 — An Iraqi taxi driver was shot and killed on Saturday by a guard with DynCorp International, a private security company hired to protect American diplomats here.

“They just killed a man and drove away,” Maj. Gen. Abdul-Karim Khalaf, an Interior Ministry spokesman said. “We have opened an investigation, and we have contacted the company and told them about our accusations, and we are still waiting for their response…

—Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!

As in several previous shootings involving security companies affiliated with the State Department, witnesses to Saturday’s shooting said they saw no reason for the guards to open fire on the car, a white Hyundai with a taxi sign on the roof…

—Yah, but ya know dese fuckin’ Iraqi cabbies. Da guy probly cut across four lanes of traffic ta pick up a fuckin’ fare, and people was honkin’ and shit, and goin’; ‘Hey, ya stupit fuck’, and somebody just lost it and shot his ass. Dese taxi guys are crazy; turnin’ da radio up too loud, talkin’ on their cellphones, takin’ ya through Basra to get to Anbar…somethin’ was bound ta happen…

From the wild world of sports:

18 ARE ARRESTED IN ILLEGAL TWIST ON FOX HUNTS

BIRMINGHAM, Ala., Nov. 12 (AP) — The authorities seized dozens of animals and charged 18 men from four states in what they described Monday as a new twist on the old sport of fox hunting: releasing trapped animals into fenced pens so they can be chased down by dogs.

—Dick Cheney was one of those arrested.

The arrests capped a two-year undercover investigation and resulted in the seizure of 55 foxes, 25 coyotes and 2 bobcats, he said. Agents also seized a moonshine still and 33 cardinals that were apparently used as bait.

— Those cardinals won’t be getting shitfaced and molesting any more young boys.

Operating a fox pen is not illegal if the prey gets inside on its own and has a reasonable chance to escape, authorities said.

—That’s a wily fox there, running around in that pen going; “Stupid, stupid, stupid…”

One of the men charged with illegally importing animals to Alabama, Harold Widder of Antigo, Wis., denied the accusations. “Everything got out of hand,” Mr. Widder said. “These were not wild animals or anything; these are ranch-raised animals. I just made a wrong turn and wound up in the wrong state.”

—Something else those foxes said.

SURPRISE MOVE: STRIKING WRITERS START WORKING FOR REGULAR PEOPLE

Citing the potential for royalties far exceeding anything they can make with DVDs and online viewing, the Writer’s Guild of America is exploring providing content for people.

Striker Mike Banale said: “I was holding my placard saying ‘NO MONEY, NO FUNNY’, you know, walking around in circles, and I overheard this conversation a guy was having on his cellphone:

‘Yeah, I know…what? Can you hear me now? You’re breaking up…oh, hello? Yeah, hi! Yeah, I know, I was going to come over but I went to take a power nap, and it was like, way too powerful, and when I woke up it was midnight…was the show any good? Oh, good, so I didn’t miss anything…cool…well, maybe we can get together tomorrow and get a beer or something…’

“And I thought; Jesus, this is crappy material. And then, BAM! it hit me. There’s this whole, untapped recource sitting right there, and it took this strike for me to see it, because usually I sit by myself at the computer talking in my head to people that don’t exist, instead of listening to the man on the street. ‘Think about it,’ I said to this guy in my head. ‘People say just exactly this kind of banal crap to each other all the time. Don’t they want more?’ And this guy in my head goes; ‘Am I ever gonna get laid? What time is it, about?’ So, I walked up to the cellphone guy and I go; ‘Hey, brother, if you want I can punch that conversation up for you, you know, if you can spring for a Starbucks.’ At first, he was like, you know, ‘get a job’, but then I told him I used to write for the reality show ‘Failures’, and he changed his tune right off. Changing the tune coulda been a problem, because then you have to figure out how to pay the songwriter and sound mixer and all. But, anyway, he goes ,’Really?’ he said. ‘I love that show. It’s so real. If I hire you, can I get some of the Starbucks?’ It’s always like that, you know, he feels like he’s entitled to a cut because he’s the one buying the coffee. So I’m like; ‘Ok, I’ll give you a sip. How do you like it?’ And he goes; ‘Well, usually I get a Grande Americano with skim milk.’ And I’m like; ‘skim’? You can hardly taste it. How about whole milk? And he was like; ‘Ok. Done deal.’”

“Watch the studios try to get a cut of this coffee. What are they gonna do? Buy the stirrers? Better lawyer up, gouging motherfuckers.”

— Scot Crawford

AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AND AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT

NEW POLL! WHICH CANDIDATE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO WATERBOARD WITH?

In a new poll released by the Phew Research Center, a for-profit organization committed to spreading misleading information open to any interpretation, people were asked: “Who would you most like to be with when you think you’re drowning?”

Leading the pack was Barack Obama, with a whopping 53% of respondents choosing him.

“He’s soothing,” said Cindy Staline. “He’s like a white guy, but with a little edge. And from what I’ve heard, waterboarding is way more stressful than it sounds. When you first hear about it, you’re like; ‘Cool. Have a couple beers, get some sun, cool off in the rollers when you get too hot.’ But then the poll guy said, you know, like, it’s like drowning, but you don’t die. I wouldn’t want to be with Hillary when that happens. She’s kind of abrasive.”

John McCain, from the other side of the aisle, came in second, with 53% of the vote.

“He has experience,” said Tom Mow. “You know, if I was going out to just have a beer, maybe I’d go for Hillary, because she’s sort of hot, and has a real easy, authentic feel. But waterboarding? I want the guy who’s been there. ‘Cause when there’s this rag in your mouth and you’re starting to breathe water, and you’re like; ‘Oh shit, what’s happening?’, McCain could say, like; ‘You’re drowning. Just tell them what they want to hear. Maybe they’ll stop.’ I wouldn’t trust any of the others to know what to say in that situation.”

Coming in a close third and fourth place were John Edwards and Hillary Clinton, with 53% of the vote, and 53% of the vote, respectively.

“He’s cute,” said Polda Pot of Mr. Edwards, “so maybe they would sort of take it easy on us and not drown us too much because he doesn’t really look like he could handle much without crying. And he’s a real lawyer, so he could yell out stuff like; ‘Objection!’ and ‘You’re out of order!’ at just the right time, and maybe it would stop. I hope it never happens to me. I don’t even know how to swim.”

“She’s tough,” said Derek Pinoche of Mrs. Clinton. “Tell you what, if they’re gonna drown me, I want somebody there who’s a full-on, bitch-on-wheels ball-cutter, with an iron fist, and a mind like a steel trap with titanium-tipped teeth who’s been so thoroughly humiliated in her life nothing can touch her. I bet they wouldn’t even be able to get her mouth open, forget about putting anything in it. Damn, man, if the shit that gets slung her way just slides right off, what’s water gonna do? She’d just be like; ‘Oh, thanks, I wanted to freshen up.’”

None of the respondents chose Rudy Guliani, saying they thought he had died on 9/11.

— Scot Crawford

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

SATURDAY

A cheerier torture story from the NY Times :

LOYAL TO KERIK, GULIANI MISSED WARNING SIGNS

If the rise of Bernard B. Kerik under the mentorship of Rudolph W. Giuliani was meteoric, the speed of his fall was breathtaking.

When Mr. Giuliani became mayor, he gave Mr. Kerik a job in the Correction department. A year later, the mayor asked him to drop by Gracie Mansion.

The two men sat upstairs and shared a bottle of red wine, a gift to the mayor from Nelson Mandela…

—To whom Mr. Guliani said; “Thanks, Mannie. Hey, let me tell you my views on torture; I’m ok with it. You?”

Mr. Giuliani said he planned to appoint Mr. Kerik as first deputy correction commissioner.

“Mayor, I appreciate your confidence in me, I really do,” Mr. Kerik said. “But I ran a jail. One jail. Rikers is like 10 jails.”
Just do it, the mayor replied.
Mr. Kerik followed Mr. Giuliani downstairs to a dimly lighted room…

—…Thinking: ‘Oh, boy, this could be bad…’

There waited Mr. Giuliani’s boyhood chum Peter J. Powers, who was first deputy mayor, and other aides…

—’…not looking good, here, no windows…oh, fuck…’

One by one, they pulled Mr. Kerik close and kissed his cheek.

—’…I’m fucking dead. They’re touching me there…Mom, I love you, I’m sorry…’

…Mr. Kerik wrote. “I was being made.”

—’Oh, fucking thank god, thank you god…I wonder if they can smell that….’

THURSDAY

From the NY Times on a polite debate over barbarism:

NOMINEE’S STAND MAY AVOID TANGLE OF TORTURE CASES

WASHINGTON, Oct. 31 — In adamantly refusing to declare waterboarding illegal, Michael B. Mukasey, the nominee for attorney general, is steering clear of a potential legal quagmire for the Bush administration: criminal prosecution or lawsuits against Central Intelligence Agency officers who used the harsh interrogation practice and those who authorized it, legal experts said Wednesday.

Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, the committee’s top Republican, said at a hearing Wednesday that any statement by Mr. Mukasey that waterboarding is torture could fuel criminal charges or lawsuits against those responsible for waterboarding.
“The facts are that an expression of an opinion by Judge Mukasey prior to becoming attorney general would put a lot of people at risk for what has happened,” Mr. Specter said.

—And after he’s Attorney General, it’s a risk-free deal.

Also from the NY Times on mercenary barbarism:

BLACKWATER MOUNTS A DEFENSE WITH TOP WASHINGTON TALENT

WASHINGTON, Oct. 31 — Blackwater Worldwide, its reputation in tatters and its lucrative government contracts in jeopardy, is mounting an aggressive legal, political and public relations counterstrike.

Blackwater is pursuing a bold legal strategy, going so far in a North Carolina case as to seek a gag order on the lawyers for the families of four Blackwater employees…

—Are they waterboarding them, too?

And just a wee bit more…

IN RAPE CASE, A FRENCH YOUTH TAKES ON DUBAI

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates, Oct. 31 — Alexandre Robert, a French 15-year-old, was having a fine summer in this tourist paradise on the Persian Gulf. Just after sunset, Alex says he was rushing to meet his father for dinner when he bumped into an acquaintance, a 17-year-old native-born student at the American school, who said he and his cousin could drop Alex off at home.

There were, in fact, three Emirati men in the car, including a pair of former convicts ages 35 and 18, according to Alex. He says they drove him past his house and into a dark patch of desert…then they stripped off his pants and one by one sodomized him in the back seat of the car.

The authorities not only discouraged Alex from pressing charges, he, his family and French diplomats say; they raised the possibility of charging him with criminal homosexual activity, and neglected for weeks to inform him or his parents that one of his attackers had tested H.I.V. positive while in prison four years earlier.

Mr. Demas, from the Dubai attorney general’s office, said he had no intention of prosecuting Alex and was seeking the death penalty for the two adult attackers.

—Does that mean you’re going to stone them to death and tip a wall over on them?

—Scot Crawford