the Shackle Report

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

MONDAY

WITH A [POLITICAL] CONTEST IN CHAOS PREDICTIONS ARE FUTILE

In the parlance of physics, a result is entropy. In medical terminology, it is a trend line as flat as the EEG of a brain-dead pundit.

—In writing, it is a simile like road-kill on the information superhighway of death.

IN HARLEM, A PASTOR ENDORSES CLINTON

“Faith without works is dead,” Senator Clinton concluded to a standing ovation. “But works without faith is just too hard.”

—And here I’d put my faith in hard work.

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

TUESDAY

Europe changes its ways:

EUROPE TAKES AFRICA’S FISH, AND BOATLOADS OF MIGRANTS FOLLOW

KAYAR, Senegal — Ale Nodye, the son and grandson of fishermen in this northern Senegalese village, said that for the past six years he netted barely enough fish to buy fuel for his boat. So he jumped at the chance for a new beginning. He volunteered to captain a wooden canoe full of 87 Africans to the Canary Islands in the hopes of making their way illegally to Europe.

“I could be a fisherman there,” he said. “Life is better there. There are no fish in the sea here anymore.”

—Sounds fair enough.

Their own waters largely fished out, European nations have steered their heavily subsidized fleets to Africa.

—Oop. Problem. Um. Now what. Let’s see…maybe they can try the fishing in…

Worldwide, the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization estimates that 75 percent of fish stocks are overfished or fished to their maximum.

—Damn! These people are going to starve! What should we do?

THE ORPHANS WHO DIDN’T NEED SAVING

Skepticism and outrage greeted the efforts of a French charity, Zoe’s Ark, whose members were arrested last week as they tried to fly 103 children from Chad to France…

—Oh, man, this is getting really annoying. What now?

$100 COMPUTER FOR CHILDREN UNVEILED BY UN

Calling the laptops an “impressive technical achievement,” Secretary-General Kofi Annan said that they were able to do almost everything that larger, more expensive computers could do, unlocking the “magic within each child…”

—Aha! Magic! Now we’re onto something…

FAST-GROWING ISLAM WINNING CONVERTS IN WESTERN WORLD

The second-largest religion in the world after Christianity, Islam is also the fastest-growing religion. In the United States, for example, nearly 80 percent of the more than 1,200 mosques have been built in the past 12 years.

—Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay. Wait. So…we give them laptops, then they come over here, and they can play “DEATHCOD” by Playstation. Meanwhile, we get jesus to change some loaves to fishes like magic. Done.

AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT

GIULIANI KILLS!

Noting his weak finishes in New Hampshire and Iowa, and the bump in popularity Hillary Clinton received by welling up with tears and showing she is woman enough to be elected, as well the problems Mr. Obama has with questions of whether he is black enough, Rudy Giuliani has introduced a new vote-getting hook to his campaign; killing people outright.

At a rally in the Meadowlands of New Jersey, standing in the middle of a reeking swamp, Mr. Giuliani rolled out his new tactic: “People are hungry for strength and authenticity in this country. They want to believe they really know the person they are putting in the White House. The person who has their finger on the nuclear button, the person who can give the order to torture people, to invade countries, in short, who can kill people with a clean conscience. I am that person.”

As his supporters filled the air with bloodthirsty screams and waved placards saying “Rudy = Death”, “Rudy: An Offer You Can’t Refuse”, and “Hello 9/11? I’m Dead!”, Mr. Giuliani pulled a Glock 9mm semi-automatic pistol from his waistband, and shot a man kneeling before him in the back of the head. The man was wearing a Hillary ’08 T-shirt, a Yes We Can! Obama cap, and sporting a Taliban beard. Mr. Giuliani, apparently carried away by the heat of the moment, then emptied the pistol into the man, snapped in a new clip, and emptied that one.

As campaign staffers dragged the dead man into the water and sunk him in the murky water with stones, Mr. Giuliani calmly wiped the pistol with his handkerchief and threw it far out into the swamp.

“I am the only candidate for president who has the guts to stand up to terrorists. This is personal for me,” he said, grinning coldly.

— Scot Crawford