the Shackle Report

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

Makes it all seem worth it:

ATHLETES DISABLED BY WARS LEAD IRAQI TEAM IN WORLD GAMES

Iraqis love sports. Anyone who doubts it should consider the rat-a-tat of automatic weapons fired after every Iraqi soccer victory.

—Well, I’m not gonna doubt it unless they put the guns down. But maybe the shooting of the guns isn’t a good way to measure their enthusiasm. They seem to kind of do that whatever happens.

Yet after five years of war, Iraq’s chances of fielding a competitive Olympic team are vanishingly small.

—Give it time. When Head Drilling makes it out of the Special Olympics and into the big time, they’ll take the gold. Weird the Scots didn’t come up with that one.

And a blind athlete, Qasim Muttar, who was a promising player of goalball — soccer played with a ball that contains bells — died after being run over by an American convoy while crossing a street.

— Americans are notoriously competitive, you can tell by the missiles and bombs if you doubt it, and goalball is starting to really take off in America. Here they call it “Libertyball”, though.

The poverty that forced Rasul Kadhim to hawk nuts from an iron street cart in Sadr City, a Baghdad slum, as a child also paved his road to Beijing. In a story typical for the mostly poor, disabled men on his team, Mr. Kadhim, a weight lifter, sculptured his torso into pure muscle by pushing the 200-pound cart, though polio had paralyzed one of his legs. “I pushed the cart with only one leg,” he said. “But I always had the strength, the power.”
And in a sad twist, also not atypical, Mr. Kadhim’s older brother, who had inspired him to leave the cart and go into sports, was killed by a car bomb in 2006 on the same dusty street where Mr. Kadhim had worked.
“God willing, I will win a medal for Iraq,” he said.

—He’s shown himself to be pretty much on your side so far.

Two years ago, for example, all 18 members of the Olympic tae kwon do team were kidnapped and killed in Anbar Province in western Iraq while returning from a match.

—Ok, Ok, you guys love sports! Got it!

— Scot Crawford

AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT

HAIL MARY!

In an effort to burnish his already resplendent environmental legacy, President Bush has initiated a full-scale propaganda campaign aimed at reducing global warming; smiling.

“Some people in this world seem to think that things are going bad,” said the President. “They like to complain. They’re like a bunch of Chicken Livers, running around saying, you know, the sky is comin’ down cuz a bomb fell on their head. But I’m an optimist. I believe in folks. I got my own version of that old saying; ‘let a smile be your umbrella.’ It goes like; ‘let a smile be your humvee.’ So we’re gonna put a stop to this whole global warming thing. And I have every confident that I can do this before the end of my presidency. Cuz, I’m not done. I’m gonna sprint for that door. So, we’re gonna turn them frowns upside the other way. Way I understand it, there’s too much sun gettin’ through makin’ things hotter than we want it, and folks are gettin’ discomfortable. So we’re just gonna ‘put on a smile and cheer up’, and shoot that sun back into space, as the song goes. Ever’body that goes to the dentist and gets them teeth polished up, gets a little present from the government; a hundred dollars. And I’ve instructed Congress to approve a bill that lets our police forces check on folks, see if they’re smiling. If they’re not, well, the Homeland Security folks are gonna know why. Except the Jews. They don’t wanna smile, they don’t have to.”

— Scot Crawford

The week’s reading, straight off the razor wire:

Yet more peace:

JAPANESE WARSHIP VISITS CHINESE PORT

A Japanese destroyer docked at a heavily guarded naval base in Guangdong Province on Tuesday for a five-day port call, the first by a warship from Japan in China since World War II.

Said Gao Hong, director of the political research office of the Chinese Academy of Social Science’s Japanese Research Institute:“When a naval vessel visits, it sends a clear signal that the countries have buried the hatchet and are working for peace.”

Breaking news:

JAPANESE PEACE ENVOY BOMBED

A group of diplomats and academics visiting China from Japan to try to ameliorate friction between the two countries over their long and violent histories was shelled today, apparently by a Japanese warship.

Said a spokesperson for the Chinese: “We don’t know what happened. The peace people came, and we were waiting, and then, suddenly, bombs were falling, shrapnel was flying, it was chaos.”

A spokesperson for the Japanese said that: “Signals got crossed. Mixed messages were sent. It was supposed to be a fireworks display to commemorate this historic event, and somehow, they ended up shelling our own peace envoy. We will not fail to shame ourselves for this mistake. There will be suicides, and at least one kamikaze will strike our ship.”

AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT

NOW WHAT?

Following the spate of attacks in Iraq by female suicide bombers concealing bombs beneath their long, black, flowing “abayas”, the Iraqi Government has decreed that women should no longer be allowed to wear them. The decree sparked massive protests across the country from women who love their robes, and don’t feel comfortable in anything else, some claiming that they cannot reach “abayasm” without the heavy, concealing garment that women all over the world wish they could wear, if only their cultural mores permitted.

But the seemingly simple solution to an annoyingly simple problem has had an unforseen consequence.

Without the concealing abaya, several female suicide bombers have attacked at various locations across Iraq, wearing jeans and a halter. They just exploded.

Said a US Military spokesperson: “We figured with the Iraqi government saying, you know, ‘fuck this medieval, women and their concealing garments thing, it’s not like we can’t still sell them or rape them’, that would really make detecting a female suicide bomber way easier. Turns out, they’re just full of ball bearings and explosives. Those other bombers with the abayas may not have even had a bomb. They just went off. This is gonna really make things twisty around here. Where is my fucking coffee!? Hey!”

— Scot Crawford

…Help Michelle pass the media’s Goldilocks test — not too hot; not too cold; not too hard; not too soft, but “just right” — whatever the hell that is.