AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT
NOW WHAT?
Following the spate of attacks in Iraq by female suicide bombers concealing bombs beneath their long, black, flowing “abayas”, the Iraqi Government has decreed that women should no longer be allowed to wear them. The decree sparked massive protests across the country from women who love their robes, and don’t feel comfortable in anything else, some claiming that they cannot reach “abayasm” without the heavy, concealing garment that women all over the world wish they could wear, if only their cultural mores permitted.
But the seemingly simple solution to an annoyingly simple problem has had an unforseen consequence.
Without the concealing abaya, several female suicide bombers have attacked at various locations across Iraq, wearing jeans and a halter. They just exploded.
Said a US Military spokesperson: “We figured with the Iraqi government saying, you know, ‘fuck this medieval, women and their concealing garments thing, it’s not like we can’t still sell them or rape them’, that would really make detecting a female suicide bomber way easier. Turns out, they’re just full of ball bearings and explosives. Those other bombers with the abayas may not have even had a bomb. They just went off. This is gonna really make things twisty around here. Where is my fucking coffee!? Hey!”
— Scot Crawford