Thanks America!
AS TRUE
AS IT GETS
AS LONG
AS YOU GET IT
THANKS AMERICA!
Nuri Al Maliki, the Iraqi Prime Minister has announced a new military training program in which Iraqi Army personnel will train American soldiers how not to fight their own people.
“The Iraqi people are very grateful to the Americans for all their excellent training and support of the Iraqi military,” said Mr. Maliki. “We know we can never fully repay them for their generosity, but we would like to give them more than just access to oil and a permanent playground for their operations.”
Mr. Maliki went on to say that he believed the American military, though a formidable fighting force like no other the world has ever seen since the beginning of time, had its flaws. “What will happen when a new civil war erupts in America, and American soldiers must balk at killing their own families, and run away? Will they know how to not eliminate the threat when the chips are down, or will they simply kill everyone they think is the enemy because those are their orders? This, we can show them.”
The new program will exploit longstanding rivalries between the various branches of the US military, pitting Army against the Marines, Air Force against Navy, and the CIA against everyone else. “No more will these rivalries be acted out on football fields,” says Mr. Maliki.
The Iraqis have set aside a neighborhood in Baghdad for the exercises, after sending in the Marines to clear it of all residents and raze it to the ground, reminiscent of the American operation in Fallujah. A replica of Des Moines, Iowa will then be built, and the families of American service members will be flown in to take up residence there while the training is in progress.
“We want to make it as realistic as possible,” said Mr. Maliki. “Practice all you want, but when it is your father and mother in the house when you call in an airstrike from your fighter pigeons, that is the do or die moment, when you either stand up with your boots on the ground like an American, or run away with your boots in the air like an Iraqi.”
President Bush greeted the announcement with gratitude. “We gratefully accept the generous offer of our Iraqi friends. Any policy that strengthens the bond between our two great nations is one we embrace wholeheartedly. As we have said all along, as the Iraqi military runs off, we will fall down, and they have made great strides away from the battlefield. We welcome this new training in tactics for warfare in this new kind of conflict. I predict that in a few short months, our troops will be the best on the face of the earth at desertion. We will not shirk from the task of learning to flee in order to better protect America and all the people of the freedom loving world. Right, Dick? Where’s Dick?”
— Scot Crawford