the Shackle Report

After Tony Hayward’s latest gaffe, in which he claimed the Gulf Coast brown pelicans weren’t bothered by the oil because they’re already brown, BP has offered huge incentives to anyone who will deal with the oil spill, including giving them Ireland.

No one immediately started clamoring for the job, but there are reports that the Israel Defense Forces have expressed interest.  Some have speculated that Israel wants Ireland as a potential first colony, thinking that the shared history of persecution would be fertile ground for a new infinite conflict.

Benjamin Netanyahu said that his elite forces were perhaps the only ones capable of stopping the oil, by rappelling into the pipe and overreacting as hard as they can out of irritatingly justifiable sanctimony and a rightful suspicion that the oil is anti-Semitic. That, plus the pressure of uncontrollably gushing international condemnation from anti-Semites with short memories and no taste for history could very well overwhelm the oil coming out at 5,000 psi, and blow it out the other side of the globe. There, Israel could then sequester the oil for its own uses, freeing it from the need to buy anti-Semitic oil from anyone and everyone who has any, including Hamas when one of their IDF tanks runs out of gas in Gaza.

BP is weighing it’s options, including appointing Helen Thomas new spokesperson.

Scot Crawford

BP, the energy giant responsible for the Gulf oil spill, has finally hit upon a clean-up and capping plan they claim is much more feasible than trying to fill the hole with golf balls, now that Tiger Woods has hurt himself.

Noting that Greece is in a financial bind these days and that the Greek people are famously hirsute, and that the hair socks sent to the Gulf from salons around the world have protected the Gulf wetlands like the levees protected New Orleans, BP has floated the following proposal to the Prime Minister of Greece: If Greece will send its citizens to swim in the Gulf for as long as it takes to soak up the oil, BP will pay down the beleaguered nation’s debt, promise not to drill for oil off Greek shores, and return some of the antiquities taken by the British over the years. The people will be squeegee’d off to collect the oil for refining, and the well will be allowed to gush until it runs dry on its own. This will mean that there will be no need for future drilling, the field being dry, and no risk of future oil spills.

Initial responses to the proposal were subdued, with the Greek Prime Minister noting frostily; “It is the Turks that are really hairy. Have the barbarians at BP never heard the phrase; ‘he has a body like a Greek god’? Does ‘The Discus Thrower’ have fur?”

The Turkish Ambassador said that he was surprised the Greeks said anything without hiding in a horse first.

BP is now considering withdrawing the proposal, not wanting a blood spill to get out of control in the Mediterranean before they have the technology to cap it.

                                                                                                                                            Scot Crawford

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CZAR OUT!

In a surprise move evidently pointed at reconciling the opposing sides of the torture divide, Barack Obama has appointed the character Dr. Gregory House of Fox Channel’s hit show “House” to be his new Torture Czar.

“Though a notoriously difficult person,” said Mr. Obama at a press conference given at one of Dick Cheney’s undisclosed locations, which was disclosed as a WW II era Sherman tank on display on the median of I-70 in the Wormwood District of Washington DC, “Dr. House has a good heart, and is well-versed in pain in all its many, many facets. He is conversant in both physical and mental agony, and is an authority on the speculative link between the two. He is uncannily proficient at making inferior people give him information by telling them what lying shits they are and not touching them, which, although not covered in the Army Field Manual, seems to be remarkably effective. He has also single-handedly made neediness cool, which is something for which liberal Americans have been hungering forever. His show is also broadcast on the network that has supplied us with some of the most egregiously fascistic and bullying conservative commentary that has ever been inflicted on the world. It is my hope that these two sides can come to a detente with this appointment.”

“For too long”, the President went on to say, “Americans have been required to stand idly by while their elected officials and military personnel have carried out their countries’ torture policies in secret, except for all the news coverage. They have felt left out, needy, isolated, tormented. Every day has been Black Friday; great sales, can’t get to them. No more. From this day forward, the torture of our enemies will be televised weekly on Fox, where Dr. House will grapple with tough moral cases about how much torture is ok, is it good torture or bad torture, who should be tortured, and whether or not medical personnel should engage in torture. I smell Emmys.”

Asked for comment, Jack Bauer of the Fox show “24″, contacted via a secure cell-phone connection that was surprisingly clear, lacking in the usual dead spots and break-ups, said: “That appointment was mine. Chloe, get me the president. I don’t want to do it, but if I have to beat the shit out of Greg House to save my country, I will. Inwardly, I’ll be conflicted about it, but it will be the right thing to do. We are running out of time, Chloe! And…I love you.”

— Scot Crawford

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HAIL MARY!

In an effort to burnish his already resplendent environmental legacy, President Bush has initiated a full-scale propaganda campaign aimed at reducing global warming; smiling.

“Some people in this world seem to think that things are going bad,” said the President. “They like to complain. They’re like a bunch of Chicken Livers, running around saying, you know, the sky is comin’ down cuz a bomb fell on their head. But I’m an optimist. I believe in folks. I got my own version of that old saying; ‘let a smile be your umbrella.’ It goes like; ‘let a smile be your humvee.’ So we’re gonna put a stop to this whole global warming thing. And I have every confident that I can do this before the end of my presidency. Cuz, I’m not done. I’m gonna sprint for that door. So, we’re gonna turn them frowns upside the other way. Way I understand it, there’s too much sun gettin’ through makin’ things hotter than we want it, and folks are gettin’ discomfortable. So we’re just gonna ‘put on a smile and cheer up’, and shoot that sun back into space, as the song goes. Ever’body that goes to the dentist and gets them teeth polished up, gets a little present from the government; a hundred dollars. And I’ve instructed Congress to approve a bill that lets our police forces check on folks, see if they’re smiling. If they’re not, well, the Homeland Security folks are gonna know why. Except the Jews. They don’t wanna smile, they don’t have to.”

— Scot Crawford

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NOW WHAT?

Following the spate of attacks in Iraq by female suicide bombers concealing bombs beneath their long, black, flowing “abayas”, the Iraqi Government has decreed that women should no longer be allowed to wear them. The decree sparked massive protests across the country from women who love their robes, and don’t feel comfortable in anything else, some claiming that they cannot reach “abayasm” without the heavy, concealing garment that women all over the world wish they could wear, if only their cultural mores permitted.

But the seemingly simple solution to an annoyingly simple problem has had an unforseen consequence.

Without the concealing abaya, several female suicide bombers have attacked at various locations across Iraq, wearing jeans and a halter. They just exploded.

Said a US Military spokesperson: “We figured with the Iraqi government saying, you know, ‘fuck this medieval, women and their concealing garments thing, it’s not like we can’t still sell them or rape them’, that would really make detecting a female suicide bomber way easier. Turns out, they’re just full of ball bearings and explosives. Those other bombers with the abayas may not have even had a bomb. They just went off. This is gonna really make things twisty around here. Where is my fucking coffee!? Hey!”

— Scot Crawford

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THANKS AMERICA!

Nuri Al Maliki, the Iraqi Prime Minister has announced a new military training program in which Iraqi Army personnel will train American soldiers how not to fight their own people.

“The Iraqi people are very grateful to the Americans for all their excellent training and support of the Iraqi military,” said Mr. Maliki. “We know we can never fully repay them for their generosity, but we would like to give them more than just access to oil and a permanent playground for their operations.”

Mr. Maliki went on to say that he believed the American military, though a formidable fighting force like no other the world has ever seen since the beginning of time, had its flaws. “What will happen when a new civil war erupts in America, and American soldiers must balk at killing their own families, and run away? Will they know how to not eliminate the threat when the chips are down, or will they simply kill everyone they think is the enemy because those are their orders? This, we can show them.”

The new program will exploit longstanding rivalries between the various branches of the US military, pitting Army against the Marines, Air Force against Navy, and the CIA against everyone else. “No more will these rivalries be acted out on football fields,” says Mr. Maliki.

The Iraqis have set aside a neighborhood in Baghdad for the exercises, after sending in the Marines to clear it of all residents and raze it to the ground, reminiscent of the American operation in Fallujah. A replica of Des Moines, Iowa will then be built, and the families of American service members will be flown in to take up residence there while the training is in progress.

“We want to make it as realistic as possible,” said Mr. Maliki. “Practice all you want, but when it is your father and mother in the house when you call in an airstrike from your fighter pigeons, that is the do or die moment, when you either stand up with your boots on the ground like an American, or run away with your boots in the air like an Iraqi.”
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YOU HEARD IT HERE, FOIST

DUTCH LAUNCH INITIATIVE TO USE DRUGS TO “BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER”

Citing a recent story in Haaretz regarding a drug trafficking ring that brought together Israelis, Pakistanis and people from the Balkans in a plot to saturate the United Kingdom with hashish, but oddly not as an act of terrorism, the government of the Netherlands has unveiled a new plan to promote international cooperation using the already existing drug import and export structures.

“Clearly, the world of drugs is a place where people with different religious beliefs and long-standing animosities can find common ground,” the Dutch said in a statement released to the press. “Therefore, we are setting the stage to allow people of all nations, creeds and colors to import drugs into our country, free of any interference by the government. It is our view that resolving these conflicts is more important than the possible ill-effects of taking drugs on our population. We call for the rest of the world to join us in this initiative, and halt the banning of drug trafficking, in the name of world peace.”

— Scot Crawford

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SEXFARE!

— Scot Crawford

After admitting that he has tried marijuana and cocaine, has been unfaithful to his wife numerous times, has injected heroin (but not in the vein), has sodomized children, has stepped on rodents while wearing high heels for sexual gratification, has invested in Exxon, has supported legislative initiatives to publicly lash illegal immigrants, has liked French people, has supported pre-emptive military strikes on Iran and North Korea, and has supported both jailing welfare recipients and forcing people to join the welfare rolls, Governor David Paterson of New York has now launched an initiative to require prostitution rings to provide Braille versions of the photographs of the available women on their websites.

“I have a dream,” said the Governor on Wednesday at a press conference to announce the first major initiatives of his budding Governoralty, “and that is to see the day when blind people are not subjected to the soft bigotry of traditional photographs of prostitutes. As the disabled are now given the right to park close to stores and offices, I am going to see to it that blind people are able to make considered, informed judgments about which girl they’ll be spending their hard-earned dollars on.”

Insisting that “no one but the blind know what it’s like to be blind”, the governor dismissed objections that his hooker-braille initiative amounted to reverse discrimination that would leave a blind man feeling that he did not get his girl by virtue of his merits, but because special legislation broke trail for him. Critics cited Clarence Thomas’ recent autobiography, which made the point that despite his awesome career trajectory he had always felt bitter and soiled by the knowledge that he only got there because white people let him.

“Feeling soiled is part of the package,” said the Governor. “No one who goes to prostitutes feels all pure and good about it; that’s the point of the thing. We should, nay, we must, level the playing field, so blind men, like ex-Governor Spitzer, have equal access to sex-on-demand, and that the sex he purchases should be as gratifyingly fake as any man’s.”

He went on to point out an income disparity along racial lines, which makes it so black men run greater risks of acquiring STD’s, getting beaten and robbed by an addicted prostitute, and sleeping with some “wretched crackitute who spends her condom money on drugs” because they can’t afford the upscale prostitutes whose lives are good enough that they don’t want to die from having sex with desperate, sad little men who are afraid of women and think that’s a bad thing.

“It is time for government to tip the scales in favor of those who have traditionally been left out of the safe-sex world,” said Mr. Paterson. “That is why I am authorizing the Bank of New York to offer Subprime Sex Loans to all people, of all races. The only standard for approval shall be applying. As our great President George Bush brought about an ownership society throughout our great land by permitting lending institutions to approve mortgages for people without any money, secure jobs, or the capacity to be wary of that which is too good to be true, especially when it is presented by someone who makes his living playing with money not his own, we shall free the sexually and financially frustrated to explore their risk-taking selves in a safe and affordable manner.”
(more…)

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GIULIANI KILLS!

Noting his weak finishes in New Hampshire and Iowa, and the bump in popularity Hillary Clinton received by welling up with tears and showing she is woman enough to be elected, as well the problems Mr. Obama has with questions of whether he is black enough, Rudy Giuliani has introduced a new vote-getting hook to his campaign; killing people outright.

At a rally in the Meadowlands of New Jersey, standing in the middle of a reeking swamp, Mr. Giuliani rolled out his new tactic: “People are hungry for strength and authenticity in this country. They want to believe they really know the person they are putting in the White House. The person who has their finger on the nuclear button, the person who can give the order to torture people, to invade countries, in short, who can kill people with a clean conscience. I am that person.”

As his supporters filled the air with bloodthirsty screams and waved placards saying “Rudy = Death”, “Rudy: An Offer You Can’t Refuse”, and “Hello 9/11? I’m Dead!”, Mr. Giuliani pulled a Glock 9mm semi-automatic pistol from his waistband, and shot a man kneeling before him in the back of the head. The man was wearing a Hillary ’08 T-shirt, a Yes We Can! Obama cap, and sporting a Taliban beard. Mr. Giuliani, apparently carried away by the heat of the moment, then emptied the pistol into the man, snapped in a new clip, and emptied that one.

As campaign staffers dragged the dead man into the water and sunk him in the murky water with stones, Mr. Giuliani calmly wiped the pistol with his handkerchief and threw it far out into the swamp.

“I am the only candidate for president who has the guts to stand up to terrorists. This is personal for me,” he said, grinning coldly.

— Scot Crawford

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NEW POLL! WHICH CANDIDATE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO WATERBOARD WITH?

In a new poll released by the Phew Research Center, a for-profit organization committed to spreading misleading information open to any interpretation, people were asked: “Who would you most like to be with when you think you’re drowning?”

Leading the pack was Barack Obama, with a whopping 53% of respondents choosing him.

“He’s soothing,” said Cindy Staline. “He’s like a white guy, but with a little edge. And from what I’ve heard, waterboarding is way more stressful than it sounds. When you first hear about it, you’re like; ‘Cool. Have a couple beers, get some sun, cool off in the rollers when you get too hot.’ But then the poll guy said, you know, like, it’s like drowning, but you don’t die. I wouldn’t want to be with Hillary when that happens. She’s kind of abrasive.”

John McCain, from the other side of the aisle, came in second, with 53% of the vote.

“He has experience,” said Tom Mow. “You know, if I was going out to just have a beer, maybe I’d go for Hillary, because she’s sort of hot, and has a real easy, authentic feel. But waterboarding? I want the guy who’s been there. ‘Cause when there’s this rag in your mouth and you’re starting to breathe water, and you’re like; ‘Oh shit, what’s happening?’, McCain could say, like; ‘You’re drowning. Just tell them what they want to hear. Maybe they’ll stop.’ I wouldn’t trust any of the others to know what to say in that situation.”

Coming in a close third and fourth place were John Edwards and Hillary Clinton, with 53% of the vote, and 53% of the vote, respectively.

“He’s cute,” said Polda Pot of Mr. Edwards, “so maybe they would sort of take it easy on us and not drown us too much because he doesn’t really look like he could handle much without crying. And he’s a real lawyer, so he could yell out stuff like; ‘Objection!’ and ‘You’re out of order!’ at just the right time, and maybe it would stop. I hope it never happens to me. I don’t even know how to swim.”

“She’s tough,” said Derek Pinoche of Mrs. Clinton. “Tell you what, if they’re gonna drown me, I want somebody there who’s a full-on, bitch-on-wheels ball-cutter, with an iron fist, and a mind like a steel trap with titanium-tipped teeth who’s been so thoroughly humiliated in her life nothing can touch her. I bet they wouldn’t even be able to get her mouth open, forget about putting anything in it. Damn, man, if the shit that gets slung her way just slides right off, what’s water gonna do? She’d just be like; ‘Oh, thanks, I wanted to freshen up.’”

None of the respondents chose Rudy Guliani, saying they thought he had died on 9/11.

— Scot Crawford

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IT’S THE SMOKERS!

In the heated race to find the ultimate culprit in the rise of global warming, a new champion has surfaced: smokers.

Dr. Andrew Guff, chairman of the Center for Using Science to Assign Blame, says that a new study has shown that smokers are the leading cause of global warming, replacing cowshit for the lead, and sending fossil fuels to a distant third.

“You’d think we would have seen it sooner,” says Dr. Guff. “There were all these stupid smokers standing around huffing smoke into the air, and what did we focus on? Their lungs. Health costs. Gouging tobacco companies for compensation. Meanwhile, polar bears are drowning, glaciers are melting, and the best we can do is blame cattlemen and energy companies. But now, we’ve got the real culprits.”

The new study will make it possible to subject smokers to even more punitive measures, going way beyond reviling them, making them stand outside to smoke, and viciously overcharging them to pay for health care for children.

“I for one am tired of these poor people smoking just because they live wretched, hand-to-mouth existences where prolonging their life by quitting is a dubious proposal at best,” says Dr. Guff. “They’re killing us all. We should make them pay, and pay hard.”

Mr. Robert Muel, head of the non-profit group Smokers for Smoking, asked for comment about the new study, responded; “Yeah, yeah, so fucking what? Whatever. My fault, ok? My bad. I suck. I’m shit. Punish me. Hey, you know what? Why don’t you give me an even shittier job than the one I have now? That’ll show me. And hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you cut my social security benefits? Or privatize it so I can lose everything unless I’m Joe Hedgefund and know how to invest wisely? Or raise my alimony and child support payments I have because I got married too early like a fucking retard and now I can barely afford to get completely shitfaced every night and grouse about my miserable life which seems to have no end in sight except the one I give myself by smoking? Hey, I got it! Why don’t you make me bail out the oceans on the weekends, so fucking Bangla-goddamn-desh doesn’t end up under water, god forbid those people should suffer, what with their great contributions to human civilization. Gotta light?”

— Scot Crawford

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PEDOPHILE DRAFT!

The Pentagon – In a move designed to address two critical problems facing America today, pedophilia and low military recruitment numbers, the Defense Department announced that it will begin drafting the growing population of pedophiles burdening the US penal system into the military, and sending them directly to Iraq.

“It’s a classic two birds with one stone solution,” said Brigadier General Thad “The Thad” Stone. “It’s that American can-do attitude, never say die, we rock – you guys suck, entrepreneurial spirit in action. We’re very pleased.”

Noting that new military recruitment standards, including accepting the severely mentally handicapped, illegal immigrants, felons, apathetic youngsters, recent retirees that are broke and feel useless, people with crippling credit card debt, psychos that just want to kill something, and animals rescued from sure euthanasia, hadn’t been enough to meet requirements for the nation’s growing number of conflicts, Gen. Stone called the new pedophile draft strategy; “the obvious next step.”

“In keeping with Bush Administration policy to reject all complexity, we asked ourselves this question; Do we want them [the pedophiles] molesting our children over here, or shooting their children over there? The answer was staring us right in the face like a one-eyed trouser snake.”

Gen. Stone went on to point out that previous methods for dealing with pedophiles had been less than perfectly successful. “Keeping them in jail forever being gang-raped by a better class of criminal just wasn’t cost-effective. And even the forced sex wasn’t improving the morale of the non-pedophiliac prison population. These child molesters really dampen people’s spirits.”

Releasing them into the normal population has its downsides as well. Researchers have noted that the communities receiving the pedophiles generally take a hostile attitude towards their new members, hurting the chances of successful rehabilitation, and reentry into society. Oddly, it seems that the policy of notifying communities that a pedophile was moving in brought out “negative connotations” among the non-pedophiliac members, prompting some to push for even harsher measures to ensure child safety: Vengeful zealot and mother of two Matilda Seeth barked: “It’s not enough! Putting a sign on his car saying ‘Pedophile On Board’ just doesn’t cut it! Many children aren’t old enough to read.”

Gen. Stone points to Mrs. Seeth’s comments as just more support for the new policy. “After the signs, and community notification, we were moving toward a policy where the offender would be forced to wear a tattoo of a red ‘P’ on his forehead. We wanted to put the whole word ‘pedophile’, but most of them don’t have foreheads big enough for that. The print was so small that by the time you were close enough to read it, it was too late. Which makes sense when you think about it. Pedophiles probably have pretty small heads. And just a ‘P’ is too vague. I mean, think about it. A ‘P’ could mean anything to a kid. Poop. Pimp. Prostitute. Polygamist. Or someone who just likes peas a little too much to be a good neighbor. You see the problem. We needed a more pro-active solution, something with teeth, that would put boots on the ground, and help us get through the late innings of our wars when they go into sudden death overtime. Plus, if pedophiles get killed, who cares really? When you factor that in, it’s more like three birds with one stone.”

When asked whether the pedophiles would be welcome in a traditionally right-wing community like the military, seeing the spotty history it has had with accepting homosexuals and women, the general had this to say; “No, they’ll be reviled worse than they would be at home. But if we can get them to kill even a few Iraqi children before they are brutally slain by their comrades, well that’s like killing four birds with one stone. We’re getting up to a whole flock of dead birds, and that is a goal worth shooting for.”

— Scot Crawford

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RUMSFELD ROCKS!

CBGBs, New York City – Ex-Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced at a press conference here that, since he is now unemployed, he is going to follow his lifelong dream of being the lead singer of a thrash-metal band.

“Have I always wanted to do this? Yes. Did I believe I had the talent? Of course. As my mother always used to say to me; ‘Donald, you’re so smart, you could do anything.’ Do I regret my digression into political life? Well, you know, regret’s a funny thing. Sometimes you regret what you regret, but you don’t know you regret it until the regret becomes regrettably obvious. What I do know is, I am going to rock this world. Political life can be stifling at times. It’s time to stop giving back to my country, and just make some noise.”

When asked if his new band had a name yet, the nascent rock star replied; “Well, I was going to go with “The WMDs” but I had my staff Google it, and turns out there’s already a band with that name. They’re nowhere near as good as my crew, and I’m considering a lawsuit, because, you know, I believe it was me that came up with that term and there may be a copy write infringement issue here. If that doesn’t make it past Scalia and Thomas, I’ve got a couple other ideas. ‘Shock ‘n Awe, Shit’ is one. Maybe ‘The Know-Knows’. I have to kick it around with my lead guitar man, Michael Richardson. He’s looking for a new life himself. We have a stage name for him: ‘Nigger’.”

Besides Nigger’s “kickin’ ” guitar lead, Mr. Rumsfeld, or “Rummy” as he now wishes to be known by everyone, not just his inner circle at the White House, said he was going to “revolutionize” rock ‘n roll by employing some of the weaponry put into use during his tenure as Defense Secretary. “Nobody’s used Predator drones on stage. They lay down a very cool sound. And I’ve got IEDs blowing up Hummers on CD, with the sounds of screaming, wounded Marines, and we’re going to lay down some cool shit over that. Is that kick-ass? You bet it is.”

When some reporters expressed surprise that Mr. Rumsfeld had such passion for metal music, he replied; “What, did you think it was the CIA that came up with playing Slayer and Nine Inch Nails on those terrorists? No. It was me. Because I knew those killers just wouldn’t get those bands. They’re just a bunch of cavemen, how are they going to feel what Slayer is all about? Me, if I’d been in that cell naked with the lights full-on with no food for twenty four hours at a stretch getting drenched with freezing cold water and defecating on myself with the ‘Nails blasting, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t need to call on Allah, because I’d be in heaven right then.”

With that, Mr. Rumsfeld raised his hands in the classic rocker gesture, forefingers and pinkies upraised, threw aside the podium, and plunged into the crowd of shocked reporters, who, being squares, didn’t know enough to catch him, so he hit the floor with a nasty smack.

“C’mon, man!” he shouted. “Don’t you know a killer show when you see one?”

—Scot Crawford

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EVOLUTION INSURGENCY!

The White House today admitted for the first time that the country was facing a determined insurgency from evolution.

Backing off from earlier language, in which the Bush Administration referred to the evolutionary phenomenon as a few bad seeds, or a pack of fossilized hoodlums, or just stating that the success of evolution was itself a sign that it was in its death throes, the administration, perhaps in the wake of the thumping Republicans took in the midterm elections, admitted that evolution was in fact an insurgency for which they had not sufficiently planned.

“The weight of evidence to the existence of a bona fide evolution insurgency that is not going away is mounting,” said White House spokesperson Tony Snow, who some scientists speculate is nothing more than previous spokesperson Scott McClellan with a tiny, tiny mutation. “Fossils continue to explode around the world, we’ve heard reports that there are WMDs in the oceans, and now, to make matters more complicated, there’s this thing called DNA that apparently has the power to disrupt spiritual awakening, and the transfer of necessary social services during the reconstruction of religious belief.”

When pressed about what the Administration planned to do about what many are calling a crisis, Mr. Snow said that the President was convening a special task force to deal with the problem. “We’re putting some of our best people on it, and I assure you, we will win this war. We are going to stay the course, though, we are a flexible bunch, and may slightly alter the course on which we will stay.”

Mr. Snow said that all the members of the task force, which goes by the acronym FIGHT, for Fight Insurgency, God Hates the Truth, had not yet all been selected, but said that some members were shoo-ins. “The Pope will be there, I can tell you that. Probably a right-wing Rabbi, and at least one of those guys that bombs abortion clinics. We’re trying to get God on board, but as you know, he’s a busy man. I mean God. All those guys we need for sure, especially the abortion bomber, because he has the technical expertise necessary for what may be a long, long war. You see, evolution only has to be right once, and God has to be right every single time. This will be difficult.”

Mr. Snow said that no detailed battle plans had yet been settled on, but said that we would “take the war to the enemy”, and “fight them over there, so we don’t have to fight them over here”. When asked what he meant by “over there”, Mr. Snow gestured vaguely. “We’re right now looking for answers to that very question. We do have a name for the battle though, we’re calling it; Operation Point Your Asshole at the Future. Has a ring, no?”

—Scot Crawford

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RUMSFELD ADMITS TORTURE!

In a startling turnaround, former Defense Secretary admitted to authorizing the use of torture on the American people.

Though he continues to deny having any role in the torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison, and at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, he confessed to torturing both the American people, and President Bush himself.

“Did I torture people? Yes. Did I like it? Yes. Was it part of my job description to do these things? Unclear. Am I a patriot? Depends on whose in power. Am I gay? Possibly. Do I dream of whips, waterboarding, attaching electrodes to the testicles of those I love? At very specific moments, which I can’t reveal for national security reasons.”

Mr. Rumsfeld confessed that when Mr. Bush got on his knees and begged for him to resign so that Mr. Bush wouldn’t have to fire him and lose face, Mr. Rumsfeld grabbed him by the neck, threw him across the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom, and stuffed soaking wet towels into his mouth to simulate drowning. He then stripped the president naked, strapped him to the bed, played Nine Inch Nails at maximum volume (a live show because there is no sound system in the Lincoln Bedroom) and turned up the gas lights in the room to maximum brightness. (They are very nostalgic at the White House, and have never converted the Lincoln bedroom to electric lighting) Then, he showed Photoshopped images of himself assfucking Laura Bush, and others of Jenna Bush tossing back shots of Woo-Woos until the point where she fellated her black Secret Service guard.

As regards the American people as a whole, Mr. Rumsfeld admitted to lying, obfuscating, and maddening them with interrogative rhetorical questions that defied comprehension, and further inquisition. He also admitted to driving reporters, and the citizenry, insane, with his supercilious manner, giving them the impression that he thought they were all retards incapable of understanding even the simplest political concepts, and pretending that he could win wars by ignoring the advice of actual warriors, and “streamlining” the military by making lightweight attack vehicles vulnerable to injuries to soldiers by a couple of M-80s.

“Do I have regrets? No. Yes, well a couple. I wanted to cover the whole country with bright florescent lighting, pound every citizen with accusations until they confessed to things they hadn’t done, and hit every newspaper in the country with precision-guided missiles loaded with neo-conservative propaganda – which by the way, would result in very few civilian deaths – and make the people as a whole beg for mercy by being just the biggest asshole they’d ever encountered, including Rick Santorum, who, by the way, was instrumental in devising torture methods involving the use of forced sex with animals, which we unfortunately were never able to implement in Iraq because the stray dogs there are really hard to catch. Oh, wait, I didn’t torture Iraqis, some apples did.”

—Scot Crawford

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AIDS SUFFERERS IN AFRICA SUSPECTED OF FAKING SYMPTOMS

In the wake of the furor surrounding Michael J Fox and Rush Limbaugh, in which Mr. Limbaugh accuses Mr. Fox of faking the symptoms of Parkinson’s disease as a political ploy in his campaign ad for a democratic candidate who supports stem cell research, other stories have begun to emerge from Africa about female AIDS sufferers feigning symptoms in order to get free medical treatment, and to shill for their choice of brutal and ineffective regime that promises health care reform only to become worse than those they remove from power.

Medecines sans Frontieres spokesman, Dr. Ronald Good, says these stories are disturbing and inaccurate. “While it’s true that some people are so desperate they will do anything to have someone pay any attention to their pain at all, it’s unlikely that many women have the acting skills to believably fake the slow degeneration of their immune system, weight loss, their life as the sexual prey of men who think condoms impugn their manhood, and giving birth to children who also have AIDS. I mean think about it. Michael J Fox is an accomplished TV actor in a first world country, and even he would be hard-pressed to fake the symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. I don’t think even a Brando, or an Olivier could pull that off, and as we know, Michael J Fox is no Olivier. So how can a poor woman in Africa, who can’t afford even the most basic improv classes, act like they are dying a horrible death?”
—Scot Crawford

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CUTOUT AND RUN!

Citing the popularity of the National Guard’s program to supply families with life-size photographs of their soldiers on duty overseas in order to ease the pain of separation, the military has announced plans to expand the “Flat Daddy” program.

Up until now, the photographic cutouts have depicted the soldiers in battle fatigues, gun in hand. After consulting with psychologists, some of whom were involved in the BISCUITS program providing advice on how to best torture detainees at Guantanamo Bay, the military has decided to provide more life-size photographs depicting the soldier in various attitudes of his or her domestic life.

Using home videos and photographs supplied by the families, the National Guard is planning to supply life-sized cutouts of the soldier playing ball with his kids, saying grace at the dinner table, flying into an unreasonable fury at something very minor like a broken water glass because of post-traumatic stress, and in the throes of premature orgasm caused by prolonged lack of sex and difficulty transitioning to intimacy after spending years killing people.

“Our psychologists said that it would help the families cope even better if their father or husband wasn’t always dressed up ready for battle, because it creates a feeling of separation, and a feeling that Daddy has something else on his mind other than being intimate with his loved ones,” said National Guard colonel Milton Major. “We need a more human approach.”

Some psychotherapists have criticized the program, citing the potential for families feeling that the cut-outs “just aren’t the same as the real thing”, leaving them with an enhanced feeling of abandonment. Also, they have warned of the potential for more pain when the soldier comes home, and has to deal with his family’s attachment to the cutout. Dr. Jane Smith said: “It’s very possible that if the soldier has a long tour of duty, the family could develop very strong attachments to the photo, and the soldier’s return could cause more trauma, in the form of separation anxiety from the cutout. After all, there are many advantages to having a photo instead of the real thing. No anger, no discipline for the children, he’s always available, since obviously, he can’t move around by himself. The soldier could return home to almost a Vietnam-like atmosphere of anger and mistrust and disinterest, which could trigger even greater mental strife for soldier and families alike.”

National Guard psychologists have dismissed the criticisms, saying that any normal family will be able to easily transfer their feelings of abandonment to a photograph in a healthy, positive way, and transfer them again to the real soldier upon his return from the theatre of battle with serious psychological problems, difficulty adjusting to civilian life, and the overwhelming desire to reenlist and go back to where he feels wanted. Guard colonel Major said: “If we do run into an instance in which the family struggles to make the adjustment, we will deal with that. We care about our servicemen, and if we have to, we’ll provide a cutout of a psychiatrist to provide family counseling, and cover a large percentage of the cost of treatment.”

—Scot Crawford

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READY, AIM, FIRE!

Flush from their recent victory in Brazil, where they helped defeat a gun control referendum in a country with the highest gun-related death toll in the world, the NRA has turned its attention to preserving gun rights in Iraq.

“It’s imperative that we firmly establish the right to keep and bear arms right at the outset in Iraq,” said the former President of the NRA, Charlton Heston. “There are a lot of cold, dead hands over there, and we need to ensure that when the guns are pried out of them, those guns are put in warm, live hands, and used to hunt, for self-defense, and to protect the citizenry from the government. What kind of democracy is it when a man can’t take his AK 47 out on a fine morning and stalk the wily ibis, or shoot a policeman, or his neighbor?”

In Brazil, the NRA swung public opinion from its pro-referendum position, to a position favoring gun ownership, by pointing out that if the government would take away one civil right, what’s to stop them from taking others?

In their push to put a version of the American second amendment into the Iraqi constitution, the NRA has flooded the country with hunters tightly gripping their rifles and shotguns and wearing bright orange clothing to avoid being accidentally shot by one another. They have staged protests, marching through the streets of Baghdad firing their guns at random to demonstrate to the Iraqis the joy of being free to shoot things.

Iraqi President Jalal Talabani has been mildly critical of the NRA’s presence in his country: “These men are confusing things, and getting in the way. They are making it very difficult for our police to execute people from other sects. The last thing we need is another group to kidnap, murder and drill holes in. We have our hands full as it is. Anyway, we Iraqis are quite familiar with the heady rush of shooting off guns.”

Asked to respond to Mr. Talabani’s comments, Mr. Heston said: “Well, what do you expect? I don’t think he’s even an American.”

—Scot Crawford

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SERVICE!

Baghdad, Iraq – Citing the need for the country to heal, the judge presiding over the trial of Saddam Hussein has ended the proceedings, and sentenced the former dictator to do community service in order to pay for his crimes, which include the murder of hundreds of thousands of his own citizens.

“We need closure!” screamed Hakim Hakim al Hakim, the presiding jurist in the case, while tearing at his hair and blowing spit bubbles. “Healing! We all need healing!”

The community service sentence is to extend for a period of not less than two consecutive lifetimes, and is to consist of acting as an expert consultant to the current Iraqi administration, and the coalition forces struggling to keep the country from collapsing into a full-scale civil war.

The ruling met with widespread approval. “I’m for it,” said Marine Corp. General Skip “the General” Majors. “You know, in hindsight, the biggest mistake we made after disbanding the Iraqi military was deposing Hussein. The man can do security like nobody’s business. He knows the ins and outs. He has his finger on the pulse of the country, which, I don’t need to tell you, is kind of weak right now. Also, he has his people dialed; he knows what they’re thinking, he knows what they’re going to do next. And, he has boots on the ground that really stay there right on the ground, whereas ours, sometimes they’re on the ground, sometimes they’re up in the air, sometimes people even take them off. You can’t quell an insurgency that way.”

As part of her own effort to give back to society what she coldly stole, Martha Stewart has offered to come in as an assistant to Mr. Hussein for the first of the two consecutive lifetimes he must serve.

“I may not have a lot of experience gassing people and torturing suspected dissidents, but I can come in handy shaming underlings and making the citizenry as a whole feel inferior, which is essential in running any country,” said Ms. Stewart.

—Scot Crawford

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ALRIGHT, ALREADY

Tel Aviv, Israel – The Israeli government, typically bowing to pressure from foreign governments who are unhappy with Israel’s contribution to the Middle East peace process, has agreed to let the Israeli Defense Forces head up the new United Nations peace-keeping troops being mobilized in southern Lebanon.

The new forces, called “Unifillerup”, are now being deployed, but have not gotten a substantial military commitment from a modernized state to lead the effort. France, the US, and Somalia, have all declined to contribute the necessary forces and leadership to accomplish the mission. Israel has now reluctantly agreed to step into the void.

Jerusalem Israel Wailing Wall, head of the Israeli Defense Forces, says: “As the world knows, we are not in the habit of using military action to accomplish goals better attained by diplomacy. But, in the spirit of cooperation with international opinion, we have decided to lead the charge to bring peace to southern Lebanon.”

Leaders around the world praised the move. Walter “Hack-em Up” Liberty, president of Liberia, said: “It’s about time the Jews broke from their pacifist traditions, and helped the international community bring stability to a region notoriously fraught with violence, and just general malaise and ennui.”

President Bush, reached at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, commented through his official interpreter: “This will send a message throughout the world. As soon as our intelligence services, who are doing a heckuva job by the way, figure out what that message is, I will personally vocabularize it for the American people. We have our very best Jewish impersonators working on it right now.”

Ariel Sharon, asked for comment, had a brain hemorrhage and saluted. Doctors warned that the salute was not necessarily a sign of recovery for the ailing ex-Prime Minister, as people who have suffered strokes often make involuntary gestures that are not to be taken as indicative of cognizance. They cited Mr. Sharon’s decision to withdraw from the Gaza Strip as evidence that these gestures can often be just the human brain having convulsions that are then interpreted as being real decisions.

—Scot Crawford

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President Bush, in his State of the Union speech last Tuesday, described America as “addicted to Middle Eastern oil,” and proposed to radically cut back our dosage. Shrugging off both Democrats who objected that his proposed remedies are ineffectual, and Saudi Arabian princes concerned that they might inexplicably work, the president declared today that he was “going it alone.” He will end his own personal addiction to Middle Eastern oil, he said, even if he can’t do much for the rest of us.

“I know from ending my addictions to cocaine, alcohol, and unprotected frat-boy sex with coke whores, you gotta change the things you can, and accept the powerful interest groups you can’t. And that’s what I’m gonna do here,” he announced at today’s follow-up press conference.

From now on, the President said, he’s going to travel by what he called “the hired power,” rickshaws, pulled by devoutly Catholic undocumented Mexicans. “This is an energy source we have in infinite abundance,” the President explained. “These decent, Christian people, plus nukular energy plants located in difficult-to-guard locations near all our heavily Democratic cities will enable us to ‘expect miracles’ before the end of the century.”

Until then, he said, “we’ll just have to drill the bejesus out of the Alaskan wilderness.” When it comes to breaking any of the U.S.’s fossil fuel habits, Bush concluded, America’s only hope is to “Let go, and let God.”

. . .and, in a related story—

OIL-STUFFED PUPPIES & KITTENS FOUND IN SMUGGLER’S DEN

From Columbia to Afghanistan, traffickers in contraband wasted no time. Only two days after U.S. President Bush declared his country “addicted to Middle Eastern oil,” cartels were formed to manage what bandits the world over are assuming will become a “controlled substance.” Border guards report finding a steep rise in “small, adorable pets” pumped full of Iranian petroleum and smuggled in past sentimental airport personnel in anticipation of sharp oil price increases.

“Yesterday, it was heroin and cocaine you’d find in the puppies,” explained local police chief Rodriquez Bass, “Now it’s this new thing.”

“Whenever North Americans get addicted to something,” explained the Spanish language weekly Perro Rapido, “You know there’s going to be a war declared on it. When that happens, the street price goes up, so the kittens and puppies of this world are in for a hard time.”

ATF chief Carl J. Truscott, who has been put in charge of controlling illegal Middle Eastern fuel imports, forsees a difficult time for border patrol: “It’s easy to spot the oil-engorged kittens and puppies,” he told the Whatever, “because they don’t look right when they’re full of fuel. The challenge is to tell which cars are full of Iranian gas for re-sale, and which are full just because the driver doesn’t want to have to stop until she reaches Luis San Obispo.” He added that the Justice Department is working on new interrogation techniques designed to extract this critical information.

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NABBED!

Tel Aviv, Israel – Mossad, the Israeli Secret Service, announced today that it has concluded an intense investigation based upon allegations that there was a Jewish conspiracy behind Ariel Sharon’s recent stroke.

“We were very concerned when these allegations first arose, because as everyone knows, Jews are often accused of being behind conspiracies throughout the world, notably the Sept. 11 attacks on NYC,” said Ishmael Abraham, the head of Mossad. “We have to take all allegations of conspiracy very seriously.”

The investigation, kept secret throughout the last few days after Mr. Sharon’s debilitating stroke, took Mossad agents through the underbelly of Israel’s political world, often resulting in the agents spending long periods in shadowy places, disguising themselves as Jews in black hats and coats, and even eavesdropping on the faithful whispering their prayers at the Western Wall.

“We found,” said Mr. Abraham, “to our surprise, that the allegations were true. The evidence has led us to the conclusion that it was the Jews who were behind the dastardly crime.”

The irony is that Mr. Sharon, who is often quoted as saying “The Jews are not easy people,” was more right than he knew: Mossad has concluded that the sheer difficulty of the Jewish people was the primary cause of Mr. Sharon’s stroke.

“This will not go unpunished,” said Mr. Abraham. “The Jews will be hunted down and brought to justice.”

— Scot Crawford

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IN DIPLOMATIC STRIKE, ITALY RETURNS MAFIA TO SICILY

ROME, ITALY — Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced today that in retribution for recent assaults on Italy’s national honor by the US, he would bring the American mafia back to Italy, even the Gotti family.

“The United States has repeatedly thumbed its nose at the honor and pride of the Italian people. They have murdered our intelligence agents in Iraq. They have attacked our ski resorts with their military jets. They have destroyed operations by our intelligence services on Italian soil with their own CIA. Their CIA agents have even driven their vehicles down our pedestrian walkways. Therefore, we have deemed it necessary to bring home all of our organized crime personnel. Let the United States manufacture its own cement shoes. Trust me, the quality will not be there.”

US officials denied that they have dishonored Italy as a nation, and expressed concern that the departure of the mafia from the United States could undermine the economy, rob Hollywood of substantial narrative lines, and drastically alter the power structure within the nation’s prison system.

“It would be a massive blow,” said one State Department official. “This is like the Russians taking back their mafia, or the US regifting the Statue of Liberty. We are not taking this lightly. Some extremists in Congress have even talked of stopping our policy of revenge-based worldwide military aggression. Does anyone really want that? Dumb wops.”

— Scot Crawford

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NEW IRAQI MILITARY SCORES FIRST MAJOR VICTORY OVER US

Baghdad, Iraq — US officials have confirmed to the Weekly Whatever that the newly-trained Iraqi military has dealt the US its first major defeat in the War on Terror.

“It was a classic one-armed pincer move,” said US Army General Sebastian Yourefired. “It was like War 101, really, but they caught us napping, and their execution was flawless. You know how they say a battle plan never survives first contact with the enemy? Theirs did. They spanked us good.”

The battle, taking place at the first Dunkin’ Doughnuts franchise to venture outside the Green Zone and set up shop on a devastated corner in Fallujah, was a brief yet brutal demonstration of the Iraqi military’s newly acquired battlefield prowess.

“We kicked their bare, white asses, man!” shouted one elated Iraqi Colonel, a Sunni Arab recently allowed back into the Iraqi military when the US realized the Iraqis had none.

Preliminary reports indicate that not only were the US Marines crushed, but the vaunted US Air Force suffered defeat as the Iraqi Air Force batted American planes from the skies with diplomatic immunity.

Said one shaken, unidentified American pilot: “We gotta rethink this whole exporting democracy business, now.”

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JAY-LO’S ASS STOLEN

J-Lo’s best ass, the one everybody loved, has been missing since shortly after the release of Out of Sight in 1998. “I just woke up one morning and it wasn’t there,” explained the diva. “I thought that maybe I mislaid it, you know, left it at Ben’s, and some other woman got it, but he swears no.” Investigators would not release the names of suspects, but, off the record confided to the WW: “We think it was the same fleshophobe who stole Madonna’s original cheeks. And we’re pretty sure he’s gay.”

BUSH DECLARES GIANT U.S. TRADE DEFICIT “INSIGNIFICANT”

December 3rd — WASHINGTON “The really big news,” the President told the nation in his address yesterday “is that my economic policies have created thousands of new jobs down in New Orleans and over the pond in Falluja.”

MAUREEN DOWD MAKES ARIANNA HUFFINGTON DISAPPEAR

With release of her book, and its companion article in the New York Times Magazine, Witticist Maureen Dowd obliterated any sign of her rival, blogster Arianna Huffington last month.
Arthur O. Sulzberger, Jr., the publisher of the NY Times, who answers to the name of Pinch, said, “There is, as you know, room in America for only one woman pundit at a time, and our sources, who declined to be identified due to their being me, determined that it should be our woman pundit, even though none of us want to marry her.”
A spokesperson for Huffington confirmed that the Greekish doyenne of liberalism has gone missing and showed us a note she left before her eclipse that read cryptically, “Of course men are necessary, you cock-climbing hypocrite.”

TERROR DETAINEES DEMAND INVISIBILITY DECLARES RUMSFELD

“The men we have rounded up at random in anti-terror sweeps throughout the world are so ashamed of their association with terrorism, however slight, that they have requested that their names and locations remain unknown, even to their lawyers,” said the Defense Secretary. Responding to critics who accuse him of violating the Geneva strictures against transporting suspects to secret torture dungeons, Rumsfeld retorted: “Accusing them of something, trials, names and all that, would be cruel and a violation of international law. The spirit of it.”

And the month has just begun. . .