After Tony Hayward’s latest gaffe, in which he claimed the Gulf Coast brown pelicans weren’t bothered by the oil because they’re already brown, BP has offered huge incentives to anyone who will deal with the oil spill, including giving them Ireland.

No one immediately started clamoring for the job, but there are reports that the Israel Defense Forces have expressed interest.  Some have speculated that Israel wants Ireland as a potential first colony, thinking that the shared history of persecution would be fertile ground for a new infinite conflict.

Benjamin Netanyahu said that his elite forces were perhaps the only ones capable of stopping the oil, by rappelling into the pipe and overreacting as hard as they can out of irritatingly justifiable sanctimony and a rightful suspicion that the oil is anti-Semitic. That, plus the pressure of uncontrollably gushing international condemnation from anti-Semites with short memories and no taste for history could very well overwhelm the oil coming out at 5,000 psi, and blow it out the other side of the globe. There, Israel could then sequester the oil for its own uses, freeing it from the need to buy anti-Semitic oil from anyone and everyone who has any, including Hamas when one of their IDF tanks runs out of gas in Gaza.

BP is weighing it’s options, including appointing Helen Thomas new spokesperson.

Scot Crawford

BP, the energy giant responsible for the Gulf oil spill, has finally hit upon a clean-up and capping plan they claim is much more feasible than trying to fill the hole with golf balls, now that Tiger Woods has hurt himself.

Noting that Greece is in a financial bind these days and that the Greek people are famously hirsute, and that the hair socks sent to the Gulf from salons around the world have protected the Gulf wetlands like the levees protected New Orleans, BP has floated the following proposal to the Prime Minister of Greece: If Greece will send its citizens to swim in the Gulf for as long as it takes to soak up the oil, BP will pay down the beleaguered nation’s debt, promise not to drill for oil off Greek shores, and return some of the antiquities taken by the British over the years. The people will be squeegee’d off to collect the oil for refining, and the well will be allowed to gush until it runs dry on its own. This will mean that there will be no need for future drilling, the field being dry, and no risk of future oil spills.

Initial responses to the proposal were subdued, with the Greek Prime Minister noting frostily; “It is the Turks that are really hairy. Have the barbarians at BP never heard the phrase; ‘he has a body like a Greek god’? Does ‘The Discus Thrower’ have fur?”

The Turkish Ambassador said that he was surprised the Greeks said anything without hiding in a horse first.

BP is now considering withdrawing the proposal, not wanting a blood spill to get out of control in the Mediterranean before they have the technology to cap it.

                                                                                                                                            Scot Crawford

CZAR OUT!

In a surprise move evidently pointed at reconciling the opposing sides of the torture divide, Barack Obama has appointed the character Dr. Gregory House of Fox Channel’s hit show “House” to be his new Torture Czar.

“Though a notoriously difficult person,” said Mr. Obama at a press conference given at one of Dick Cheney’s undisclosed locations, which was disclosed as a WW II era Sherman tank on display on the median of I-70 in the Wormwood District of Washington DC, “Dr. House has a good heart, and is well-versed in pain in all its many, many facets. He is conversant in both physical and mental agony, and is an authority on the speculative link between the two. He is uncannily proficient at making inferior people give him information by telling them what lying shits they are and not touching them, which, although not covered in the Army Field Manual, seems to be remarkably effective. He has also single-handedly made neediness cool, which is something for which liberal Americans have been hungering forever. His show is also broadcast on the network that has supplied us with some of the most egregiously fascistic and bullying conservative commentary that has ever been inflicted on the world. It is my hope that these two sides can come to a detente with this appointment.”

“For too long”, the President went on to say, “Americans have been required to stand idly by while their elected officials and military personnel have carried out their countries’ torture policies in secret, except for all the news coverage. They have felt left out, needy, isolated, tormented. Every day has been Black Friday; great sales, can’t get to them. No more. From this day forward, the torture of our enemies will be televised weekly on Fox, where Dr. House will grapple with tough moral cases about how much torture is ok, is it good torture or bad torture, who should be tortured, and whether or not medical personnel should engage in torture. I smell Emmys.”

Asked for comment, Jack Bauer of the Fox show “24″, contacted via a secure cell-phone connection that was surprisingly clear, lacking in the usual dead spots and break-ups, said: “That appointment was mine. Chloe, get me the president. I don’t want to do it, but if I have to beat the shit out of Greg House to save my country, I will. Inwardly, I’ll be conflicted about it, but it will be the right thing to do. We are running out of time, Chloe! And…I love you.”

— Scot Crawford

HAIL MARY!

In an effort to burnish his already resplendent environmental legacy, President Bush has initiated a full-scale propaganda campaign aimed at reducing global warming; smiling.

“Some people in this world seem to think that things are going bad,” said the President. “They like to complain. They’re like a bunch of Chicken Livers, running around saying, you know, the sky is comin’ down cuz a bomb fell on their head. But I’m an optimist. I believe in folks. I got my own version of that old saying; ‘let a smile be your umbrella.’ It goes like; ‘let a smile be your humvee.’ So we’re gonna put a stop to this whole global warming thing. And I have every confident that I can do this before the end of my presidency. Cuz, I’m not done. I’m gonna sprint for that door. So, we’re gonna turn them frowns upside the other way. Way I understand it, there’s too much sun gettin’ through makin’ things hotter than we want it, and folks are gettin’ discomfortable. So we’re just gonna ‘put on a smile and cheer up’, and shoot that sun back into space, as the song goes. Ever’body that goes to the dentist and gets them teeth polished up, gets a little present from the government; a hundred dollars. And I’ve instructed Congress to approve a bill that lets our police forces check on folks, see if they’re smiling. If they’re not, well, the Homeland Security folks are gonna know why. Except the Jews. They don’t wanna smile, they don’t have to.”

— Scot Crawford

NOW WHAT?

Following the spate of attacks in Iraq by female suicide bombers concealing bombs beneath their long, black, flowing “abayas”, the Iraqi Government has decreed that women should no longer be allowed to wear them. The decree sparked massive protests across the country from women who love their robes, and don’t feel comfortable in anything else, some claiming that they cannot reach “abayasm” without the heavy, concealing garment that women all over the world wish they could wear, if only their cultural mores permitted.

But the seemingly simple solution to an annoyingly simple problem has had an unforseen consequence.

Without the concealing abaya, several female suicide bombers have attacked at various locations across Iraq, wearing jeans and a halter. They just exploded.

Said a US Military spokesperson: “We figured with the Iraqi government saying, you know, ‘fuck this medieval, women and their concealing garments thing, it’s not like we can’t still sell them or rape them’, that would really make detecting a female suicide bomber way easier. Turns out, they’re just full of ball bearings and explosives. Those other bombers with the abayas may not have even had a bomb. They just went off. This is gonna really make things twisty around here. Where is my fucking coffee!? Hey!”

— Scot Crawford

THANKS AMERICA!

Nuri Al Maliki, the Iraqi Prime Minister has announced a new military training program in which Iraqi Army personnel will train American soldiers how not to fight their own people.

“The Iraqi people are very grateful to the Americans for all their excellent training and support of the Iraqi military,” said Mr. Maliki. “We know we can never fully repay them for their generosity, but we would like to give them more than just access to oil and a permanent playground for their operations.”

Mr. Maliki went on to say that he believed the American military, though a formidable fighting force like no other the world has ever seen since the beginning of time, had its flaws. “What will happen when a new civil war erupts in America, and American soldiers must balk at killing their own families, and run away? Will they know how to not eliminate the threat when the chips are down, or will they simply kill everyone they think is the enemy because those are their orders? This, we can show them.”

The new program will exploit longstanding rivalries between the various branches of the US military, pitting Army against the Marines, Air Force against Navy, and the CIA against everyone else. “No more will these rivalries be acted out on football fields,” says Mr. Maliki.

The Iraqis have set aside a neighborhood in Baghdad for the exercises, after sending in the Marines to clear it of all residents and raze it to the ground, reminiscent of the American operation in Fallujah. A replica of Des Moines, Iowa will then be built, and the families of American service members will be flown in to take up residence there while the training is in progress.

“We want to make it as realistic as possible,” said Mr. Maliki. “Practice all you want, but when it is your father and mother in the house when you call in an airstrike from your fighter pigeons, that is the do or die moment, when you either stand up with your boots on the ground like an American, or run away with your boots in the air like an Iraqi.”

President Bush greeted the announcement with gratitude. “We gratefully accept the generous offer of our Iraqi friends. Any policy that strengthens the bond between our two great nations is one we embrace wholeheartedly. As we have said all along, as the Iraqi military runs off, we will fall down, and they have made great strides away from the battlefield. We welcome this new training in tactics for warfare in this new kind of conflict. I predict that in a few short months, our troops will be the best on the face of the earth at desertion. We will not shirk from the task of learning to flee in order to better protect America and all the people of the freedom loving world. Right, Dick? Where’s Dick?”

— Scot Crawford

DUTCH LAUNCH INITIATIVE TO USE DRUGS TO “BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER”

Citing a recent story in Haaretz regarding a drug trafficking ring that brought together Israelis, Pakistanis and people from the Balkans in a plot to saturate the United Kingdom with hashish, but oddly not as an act of terrorism, the government of the Netherlands has unveiled a new plan to promote international cooperation using the already existing drug import and export structures.

“Clearly, the world of drugs is a place where people with different religious beliefs and long-standing animosities can find common ground,” the Dutch said in a statement released to the press. “Therefore, we are setting the stage to allow people of all nations, creeds and colors to import drugs into our country, free of any interference by the government. It is our view that resolving these conflicts is more important than the possible ill-effects of taking drugs on our population. We call for the rest of the world to join us in this initiative, and halt the banning of drug trafficking, in the name of world peace.”

— Scot Crawford

SEXFARE!

— Scot Crawford

After admitting that he has tried marijuana and cocaine, has been unfaithful to his wife numerous times, has injected heroin (but not in the vein), has sodomized children, has stepped on rodents while wearing high heels for sexual gratification, has invested in Exxon, has supported legislative initiatives to publicly lash illegal immigrants, has liked French people, has supported pre-emptive military strikes on Iran and North Korea, and has supported both jailing welfare recipients and forcing people to join the welfare rolls, Governor David Paterson of New York has now launched an initiative to require prostitution rings to provide Braille versions of the photographs of the available women on their websites.

“I have a dream,” said the Governor on Wednesday at a press conference to announce the first major initiatives of his budding Governoralty, “and that is to see the day when blind people are not subjected to the soft bigotry of traditional photographs of prostitutes. As the disabled are now given the right to park close to stores and offices, I am going to see to it that blind people are able to make considered, informed judgments about which girl they’ll be spending their hard-earned dollars on.”

Insisting that “no one but the blind know what it’s like to be blind”, the governor dismissed objections that his hooker-braille initiative amounted to reverse discrimination that would leave a blind man feeling that he did not get his girl by virtue of his merits, but because special legislation broke trail for him. Critics cited Clarence Thomas’ recent autobiography, which made the point that despite his awesome career trajectory he had always felt bitter and soiled by the knowledge that he only got there because white people let him.

“Feeling soiled is part of the package,” said the Governor. “No one who goes to prostitutes feels all pure and good about it; that’s the point of the thing. We should, nay, we must, level the playing field, so blind men, like ex-Governor Spitzer, have equal access to sex-on-demand, and that the sex he purchases should be as gratifyingly fake as any man’s.”

He went on to point out an income disparity along racial lines, which makes it so black men run greater risks of acquiring STD’s, getting beaten and robbed by an addicted prostitute, and sleeping with some “wretched crackitute who spends her condom money on drugs” because they can’t afford the upscale prostitutes whose lives are good enough that they don’t want to die from having sex with desperate, sad little men who are afraid of women and think that’s a bad thing.

“It is time for government to tip the scales in favor of those who have traditionally been left out of the safe-sex world,” said Mr. Paterson. “That is why I am authorizing the Bank of New York to offer Subprime Sex Loans to all people, of all races. The only standard for approval shall be applying. As our great President George Bush brought about an ownership society throughout our great land by permitting lending institutions to approve mortgages for people without any money, secure jobs, or the capacity to be wary of that which is too good to be true, especially when it is presented by someone who makes his living playing with money not his own, we shall free the sexually and financially frustrated to explore their risk-taking selves in a safe and affordable manner.”

Asked for comment, Presidential hopeful Barack Obama said that he had yet to view the particulars of Mr. Paterson’s proposed legislation, but said that: “The time has come in this country to have an honest conversation about the availability of good, quality prostitutes for all men. Indeed, we can talk about how sex with prostitutes isn’t real sex, about how blind men have some perceived advantage because their other senses are more acute, about how white men who can see feel angry when blind, black men take their political jobs because they got caught doing something that used to just be one of the perks for the hassle of being privileged and in-charge, about the divisive ramblings of blind, black pastors who still feel the bitterness of being barred from having sex with hot, white prostitutes who don’t want to die from diseases spread by bigoted white men. We can do that. But if we do, we run the risk of staying mired in the old politics as usual. Instead, I propose you elect me, and I’ll walk in that door on Day One, and I will pick up that Red Phone and I will shout; ‘Yes we can!’ no matter who is on the line. And together, we will change the world — unless “together” means “with the Clintons”! What? Who is it? Well, just take a message, I have to meet with the United Federation of Consolidated Diaper Mechanics right now. That bitch Hillary’s got ‘em sold on her old definition of change…”

GIULIANI KILLS!

Noting his weak finishes in New Hampshire and Iowa, and the bump in popularity Hillary Clinton received by welling up with tears and showing she is woman enough to be elected, as well the problems Mr. Obama has with questions of whether he is black enough, Rudy Giuliani has introduced a new vote-getting hook to his campaign; killing people outright.

At a rally in the Meadowlands of New Jersey, standing in the middle of a reeking swamp, Mr. Giuliani rolled out his new tactic: “People are hungry for strength and authenticity in this country. They want to believe they really know the person they are putting in the White House. The person who has their finger on the nuclear button, the person who can give the order to torture people, to invade countries, in short, who can kill people with a clean conscience. I am that person.”

As his supporters filled the air with bloodthirsty screams and waved placards saying “Rudy = Death”, “Rudy: An Offer You Can’t Refuse”, and “Hello 9/11? I’m Dead!”, Mr. Giuliani pulled a Glock 9mm semi-automatic pistol from his waistband, and shot a man kneeling before him in the back of the head. The man was wearing a Hillary ’08 T-shirt, a Yes We Can! Obama cap, and sporting a Taliban beard. Mr. Giuliani, apparently carried away by the heat of the moment, then emptied the pistol into the man, snapped in a new clip, and emptied that one.

As campaign staffers dragged the dead man into the water and sunk him in the murky water with stones, Mr. Giuliani calmly wiped the pistol with his handkerchief and threw it far out into the swamp.

“I am the only candidate for president who has the guts to stand up to terrorists. This is personal for me,” he said, grinning coldly.

— Scot Crawford

NEW POLL! WHICH CANDIDATE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO WATERBOARD WITH?

In a new poll released by the Phew Research Center, a for-profit organization committed to spreading misleading information open to any interpretation, people were asked: “Who would you most like to be with when you think you’re drowning?”

Leading the pack was Barack Obama, with a whopping 53% of respondents choosing him.

“He’s soothing,” said Cindy Staline. “He’s like a white guy, but with a little edge. And from what I’ve heard, waterboarding is way more stressful than it sounds. When you first hear about it, you’re like; ‘Cool. Have a couple beers, get some sun, cool off in the rollers when you get too hot.’ But then the poll guy said, you know, like, it’s like drowning, but you don’t die. I wouldn’t want to be with Hillary when that happens. She’s kind of abrasive.”

John McCain, from the other side of the aisle, came in second, with 53% of the vote.

“He has experience,” said Tom Mow. “You know, if I was going out to just have a beer, maybe I’d go for Hillary, because she’s sort of hot, and has a real easy, authentic feel. But waterboarding? I want the guy who’s been there. ‘Cause when there’s this rag in your mouth and you’re starting to breathe water, and you’re like; ‘Oh shit, what’s happening?’, McCain could say, like; ‘You’re drowning. Just tell them what they want to hear. Maybe they’ll stop.’ I wouldn’t trust any of the others to know what to say in that situation.”

Coming in a close third and fourth place were John Edwards and Hillary Clinton, with 53% of the vote, and 53% of the vote, respectively.

“He’s cute,” said Polda Pot of Mr. Edwards, “so maybe they would sort of take it easy on us and not drown us too much because he doesn’t really look like he could handle much without crying. And he’s a real lawyer, so he could yell out stuff like; ‘Objection!’ and ‘You’re out of order!’ at just the right time, and maybe it would stop. I hope it never happens to me. I don’t even know how to swim.”

“She’s tough,” said Derek Pinoche of Mrs. Clinton. “Tell you what, if they’re gonna drown me, I want somebody there who’s a full-on, bitch-on-wheels ball-cutter, with an iron fist, and a mind like a steel trap with titanium-tipped teeth who’s been so thoroughly humiliated in her life nothing can touch her. I bet they wouldn’t even be able to get her mouth open, forget about putting anything in it. Damn, man, if the shit that gets slung her way just slides right off, what’s water gonna do? She’d just be like; ‘Oh, thanks, I wanted to freshen up.’”

None of the respondents chose Rudy Guliani, saying they thought he had died on 9/11.

— Scot Crawford